Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 2 USERS: C
Aunt Gertrude Gropes The Hardy Boys

The next morning, another thirtysomething bit of this evening's Monster Chow -- ooops! Spoiler! -- stands distraught in the street in front of the knockoff with a reporter's microcassette recorder shoved firmly up his nose. "The police said that he drowned," our next bit of Monster Chow sniffles, "but I don't understand!" "I am so sorry for your loss, Mr. Warren," the soothing, American-accented female reporter offers as the camera spins around his weepy head to reveal her identity, and it's Bela, and since her ludicrously posh accent's one of the most unbearably off-putting things about the character, now that we know Lauren Cohan can speak like a Yank, could she knock it off with that British shit already? Sigh. That's not going to happen anytime soon, so long story short, Bela's posing as a reporter to pump the grieving brother of last night's piece of Monster Chow for details of the ghost ship said Monster Chow of course spotted shortly before drowning in his own tub, but our just-arriving Intrepid Heroes quickly put a stop to all that, shoving her overly made-up face out of the way with a few choice insults before asking the grieving brother the exact same questions themselves. Turns out the grieving brother can offer them a particularly detailed description of the boat in question, because he saw it, too. DUN! Yep, the brothers were out "night diving," when the spectral "smuggling vessel" with a "rakish topsail" and "barquentine rigging" overtook them for a moment before vanishing into the mist. Sam and Dean exchange Looks Fraught With Significance before Darling Sammy allows his eyes to travel down the street, where they find Posh Bela conversing intently with actual officers of the law. Eager to avoid the officers' attentions, Sam and Dean make with hastily concocted expressions of back-slapping sympathy and book it on over to...

...the Impala's bottomless trunk. They have of course long since gotten the sorely abused Metallicar out of hock, and are now expertly loading a couple of sawed-off shotguns with rock salt when the neverending annoyance that is Posh Bela saunters up behind them to make with the snide and snippy remarks, so we'll be skipping through much of this scene as well to note that Our Intrepid Heroes have of course determined to save the next bit of Monster Chow from the same fate his brother suffered the evening before. "He's cannon fodder!" Posh Bela incredulously croons, referring to the remaining Warren. "He can't be saved in time, and you know it!" Sam offers her nothing more than a spectacularly massive bitchface at this, and turns to slide into the Impala's passenger seat. Dean, unfortunately, allows himself to get roped into an increasingly heated pissing contest with the neverending annoyance, and so forces me to transcribe a bit of The Battle Of The Daddy Issues conversation that follows, and Dean, dude, between what you're doing to me here and that asinine crack you made last week, you're really starting to make me hate you. ANY-way, Posh Bela announces her determination to solve the larger case at hand by identifying the vessel responsible and...hauling the wreck up to the surface of the bay so she can salt and burn it? I have no fucking idea. Shut up, Bela. Dean, meanwhile, accuses her of having Daddy Issues, an accusation she immediately -- and correctly, and I hate every single second of this -- throws back into his face. "Don't look down your nose at me," she sneers. "You're no better than I am." "We help people," Dean emphasizes. "Come on," Bela pffts, "you do this out of vengeance and obsession -- you're a stone's throw from being a serial killer." The boys roll their eyes at each other, but Darling Sammy just might have taken that line a little personally, what with the impressive and ferociously awesome body count he's racked up for himself since the season began. In any event, Posh Bela proceeds to posit, "I, on the other hand, get paid to do a job, and I do it." "So you tell me," she condescendingly challenges, "which is healthier?" Dean hasn't a snappy response, for whatever asinine script-dictated reason, so it's left to Sam to get rid of the annoyance, which he does with some condescension of his own until Posh Bela makes with a few more insults before swanning out of the frame. Dean clenches. Shut up, Dean.

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