Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 2 USERS: C
Aunt Gertrude Gropes The Hardy Boys

In any event, The Moist Menace's right hand was actually removed before the rest of his body was cremated so his colleagues could fashion a Hand Of Glory out of the thing, and it just so happens this specific relic of Damp Dick's has survived through the decades to become one of the main attractions at the local maritime museum. Posh Bela has a plan to swipe the grisly thing so the boys might salt and burn it, thereby ending Damp Dick's reign of decidedly intermittent terror, but she requires the boys' help. "What kind of help?" Sam squints.

Cut to Posh Bela cooling her heels in the squat's parlor while modeling a boob-enhancing black evening dress accessorized with gaudy cubic zirconia pieces at her wrist and throat. Dean eventually enters from above in black tie -- accompanied by an agonizingly stupid 007 musical flourish -- and so great is my loathing of this BORING episode, that I find it impossible to take any pleasure whatsoever in his mighty fine appearance. Thanks for nothing, show. Posh Bela gives him a once-over and smirks, "You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex." "Don't objectify me!" Double-O-Dean protests with a peevish expression he maintains until the instant he's bow-leggedly clomped past her line of sight, at which point he gets a giggly sort of "Score!" light in his eyes, and give me a fucking break. After what she did to the Impala, he wouldn't do her with Sam's dick, so this show can kiss my ass.

Sea Pines Maritime Museum, Established 1892. Well, that's what I think the sign says, at any rate, because I'm too busy sitting here aghast at the sweepingly romantic, Affair To Remember-style strings now assaulting my ears from the soundtrack as a blood-red Rolls Royce arrives at the museum's main door to offload its cargo of well-heeled passengers to be sure. I mean, yeah, I get that they're riffing on the opening sequence of -- wait for it -- Ghost Ship with this musical cue, but unless every single one of the elegantly attired patrons at this evening's lavish affair ends up gruesomely bisected by a razor-sharp length of ship's cable, I don't know why they bothered to go there. ANY-way, Dean enters with Posh Bela on his arm -- or maybe it's the other way around -- and after a massively irritating "comedic" bit in which Sloppy El Deano sticks a wad of gum onto the underside of the champagne fountain in the museum's foyer in full view of the security guards hired for this evening's benefit, the two pass into the main reception hall just as Darling Sammy arrives with his date for the soiree, Good Ol' Gertie from the top of the hour. I smell hijinks, and they smell like shit. Ellen Geer needs to fire her agent, like, yesterday. Though I suppose I should take advantage of Geer's presence on the screen at this point to congratulate Drunken Bee on this much-belated shout-out. Drunken Bee began the whole "Hardy Boys" thing on the show's index page, don't you know, and The Kripkeeper's finally rewarded her by giving us all Aunt Gertrude. Of course, in The Kripkeeper's version of The Hardy Boys, Aunt Gertrude's a randy old broad who can't keep her hands off Joe. I think Kripke has Issues.

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