Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: B- | 2 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Need To Exfoliate More

Oh! the snapshot of Zach Guzman fades into Zach Guzman himself lurking outside a fancy building. A woman clearly on her journey towards becoming America's Next Top Model kisses her fancypants husband/boyfriend goodbye as he presumably leaves for a fancy business trip. Zach Guzman watches her ass return to the building in slow motion. Literally, the camera focus is pretty much on her ass thumping from side to side. Fancy! Cut back to Zach Guzman, who breaks into an evil grin before a ten-year-old gets hold of the footage for this scene and uses MS Paint to make Zach Guzman's eyes look like glowing tiger eyes. Nice effects, Timmy!

Dean, Sam, and Blondie watch the security footage from the night in question, which clearly shows Zach Guzman entering the apartment building just after 10 PM. Blondie says that their lawyer unfortunately found that the tape had not been tampered with. Sam asks if they can take her up on the beers she had offered before. As she leaves, he asks for "maybe some sandwiches, too" and she responds, standing in profile, "What do you think this is, Hooters?" Drunken Bee interjects, "Please, if there's going to be a Hooters joke, let's at least have it delivered by a chick who's actually got the goods." With Blondie out of the room, Sam takes the opportunity to rewind the tape and play one section back in slow motion. We see Zach Guzman's glowing eyes and Dean the Convenient Skeptic posits that the glow might just be a camera flare. Sam the Convenient Cultural Anthropologist blabs some about how many cultures believe that a photograph can "catch a glimpse of the soul," and wonders if the figure on tape is "some kind of dark double of Zach's." The dark double of Luis Guzman being, naturally, Edward James Olmos.

Eerie high-pitched warbling takes us to an interior shot of an apartment, where Fancypants Husband/Boyfriend of the Ass-Thumping Lady walks through the front door. His business trip was canceled at the last minute, he says to the silent apartment. When Ass-Thumper doesn't respond, he starts calling her name. He notices a smeared bloody handprint on the wall and rushes into the next room where he finds Ass-Thumper gagged, tied to a chair, and all bloody. He pulls the gag out of her mouth and starts untying her, but she cries out, "Please don't hurt me anymore!" The sound of glass shattering, and Fancypants staggers backward and back out into the Calvin Klein modern gray hallway of his Calvin Klein modern apartment. He tiptoes slowly through the apartment only to come face-to-face with...himself! Holding a baseball bat! Timmy MS Paints Fancypants2's eyes as they flash at Fancypants, just before Fancypants2 hauls off and swings the bat at Fancypants's head. Metal Teeth Chomp.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14Next





Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP