There was an awful lot of talking and very little action in this, the fifth season's finale, so I've got a feeling this recaplet's going to be especially brief.
The hour opens shortly after last week's installment ended, with Dashing El Deano trotting over to the Impala at Bobby's Emporium to offer Darling Sammy both a beer and his assurances that, no matter how abysmally stupid Sam's plan to end The Apocalypse might be, Dean's going to back Sam up one hundred percent. So, they drain a couple of demonically enhanced extras, stick the blood in a bunch of gallon jugs, and drive off to Detroit with Bobby and Castiel, because Lucifer's decided to make the various prophecies and promises come true by taking up residence somewhere near the Renaissance Center. And after The Ginormotron guzzles down his weight in demonically enhanced blood, Our Intrepid Heroes confront Satan, and Sam's abysmally stupid plan to end The Apocalypse fails when Lucifer smashes Sam's soul or consciousness or essence or whatever into a tiny corner of Sam's body, and takes off for Stull Cemetery in Lawrence, Kansas, for the final battle with Michael -- who, as you'll recall, is currently occupying their adorable bastard of a half-brother, Adam Milligan.
Because they are idiots, Dean, Bobby and Castiel chase off after him. Lucifer immediately blows up Castiel and snaps Bobby's neck before clobbering the pretty right off Dean's face, and Dean would have ended up dead as well, I'm sure, were it not for a magical flashback montage that somehow allows Sam to regain control of his body, open Lucifer's cage with The Horsemen's rings, and leap into oblivion with Michael-In-Adam, thereby bringing five year's worth of plot points and mythology to a close in the most anti-climactic manner imaginable.
And when the screaming is done, God or whoever restores Castiel, who in turn restores Bobby and Dean, and even though he really just wants to die, Dean heads off to pursue a normal life with Bendy Lisa and their bastard son because he promised Sam he would. Until Sam's mutant zombie corpse rises from Hell to eat their brains at the very end of the episode, that is. DUN!
In other news, the Impala gets a heroic backstory of its very own, and Chuck Shurley is probably God. Yes, that God. No, I don't know where that bit of idiocy came from, either, so leave me the hell alone.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Rattle, Rattle THE ROAD SO FAR! and if it's the season finale, then we're listening to "Carry On Wayward Son" as clips from the past year's greatest hits fly by on the screen. This particular montage starts with Our Intrepid Heroes gaping in horror as Lucifer's horrible white light erupts from Lilith's blood sigil on the floor of St. Mary's Convent in Ilchester, Maryland, and continues through the violent decapitations of several zombies, the violent dismemberment of several spectral children, and that violently futile attempt to escape several snarling Hellhounds before zipping through various shots of the moon's dark side, the unquiet spirit of a Massachusetts witch, the remote deaths of a couple of guardian angels, and a scene set in the distant past until we land on Gabriel rather forcefully ordering Sam and Dean to play the roles Capital-D Destiny has assigned to them. And then? The season's overarching plot distilled to a series of soundbites, reminding us that Our Intrepid Heroes are The Vessels for Michael and Lucifer, that Our Intrepid Heroes can lock Lucifer back in his divinely wrought cage using the rings they hacked off The Four Horsemen's hands, that Our Intrepid Heroes have an adorable bastard of a half-brother named Adam Milligan who has likely become Michael's angel condom in Dean's stead, that Darling Sammy has an abysmally stupid plan to end The Apocalypse, that Dashing El Deano must let his brother jump into the fiery pit or face the wrath of Death, and that Dean can't decide if he's more scared of losing, or of losing his brother. Oh, and there's this chick named Bendy Lisa with whom Dean had a one-night stand about a zillion years ago. Got all that? Good, 'cause it's time for the...
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