Rattle, Rattle NONEXISTENT THEN! and crap! "Oh, for Heaven's sake!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, tossing his exquisitely manicured paws into the air to gesticulate wildly in a positive agony of disgust and despair. "Not again!" I'm afraid so, friend of friends. I'm afraid so. "BOYCOTT!" howls Raoul, and with that, he wriggles his tubby derriere from the depths of his overstuffed armchair and flounces off to his den, from which presently emerges Andre Previn's opening theme to that timeless classic of the American cinema, Dead Ringer. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" This show can kiss my ass.

Well, it looks like I'm in for a very, very long evening, so let's get this rolling: The camera fades up on the interior of a tacky-looking cocktail lounge to linger on an into-the-mirror shot of the bartender pouring out a lovely glassful of something soothing before it pans over to capture a thirtysomething bleached blonde wrapping her collagen-enhanced lips around the complimentary straws she received with her margarita. As the camera focuses in on the thirtysomething's somewhat bored yet decidedly randy expression, Darling Sammy bounds into the frame to lean in over the straw-sucker's left shoulder and perk, "Evening, barkeep -- I would like to purchase some alcohol, please!" and we thus immediately know Something's Not Quite Right With This Pointless And Awful Episode because Jared Padalecki -- God love him -- is doing a completely shitty job impersonating a 17-year-old nerd impersonating Darling Sammy and yes, I realize I've gotten way ahead of myself, here, and have therefore likely blown the teaser's Shocking Twist for all of you lovely people out there on the Internet, but you know what? We're barely 23 seconds into this pointless and awful episode, and already I've reached the conclusion that this show blows, and that I want to die, and... "Estelle Winwood?! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

I hate my life SO MUCH right now.

ANY-way, there's some more tedious and seemingly neverending nonsense involving this Imitation Of Sam ordering a banana daiquiri, of all the stupid things, before he finally settles onto a stool, at which point "Krystle" The Collagen-Enhanced Thirtysomething proceeds to compliment him on his remarkably broad shoulders, and everyone except Imitation Of Sam can see where this is going because Imitation Of Sam -- despite being a perpetually horny 17-year-old male beneath that remarkably broad and healthy 26-year-old exterior of his -- is entirely, completely, retardedly stupid about The Sex, so Klassy Krystle must s-l-o-w-l-y spell it all out for him, and I'd blast her for continuing to pursue a gentleman as obviously challenged, mentally speaking, as Imitation Of Sam is here, but she's had a few, and Imitation Of Sam does look like Jared Frigging Padalecki, after all, and we've all been there at one point or another in our lives, so whatever, and look at that! While I was babbling on, the camera slid from Imitation Of Sam's reflection in the barroom mirror to Imitation Of Sam himself, and it's some pimply-faced geek from 7th Heaven! DUN! "Love that jacket on you, by the way," Klassy Krystle kroons. "Thanks!" The Pimply-Faced Geek From 7th Heaven proudly and cheerfully replies. "Actually," he adds, taking a moment to admire his Darling Sammy reflection one last time before escorting Klassy Krystle back to her boudoir, "the whole outfit is new!"