Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 2 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Are Still Not Having Sex With Each Other!

And we have Metallicar! Wave hello to the Impala, kids. We also have Bobby, who drove the car from... hell if I can remember now, but whatever. The point is, Bobby's finally arrived at the boys' current coordinates, and much manly backslapping ensues until Bobby at long last gets down to business, slamming a massive tome onto this week's motel room's desk and flipping it open to various Renaissance and Baroque depictions of St. Michael, including this one, which Dean thinks looks like Cate Blanchett, and no, Dean: SWINTON. Bobby suggests they set to researching immediately, because none of these doofuses apparently learned anything about St. Michael in Sunday school, but Darling Sammy has other plans -- other plans that involve... is it? Do I see? Yes! It's the triumphant return of The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes Of Pleading And Despair, which Darling Sammy unleashes in Bobby's direction to prepare the way for what I'm certain is a heartfelt and touching apology for deploying his Mighty Hands Of Discontent upon Lilith's demonically deceptive ass, but I stopped paying attention as soon as The Super-Special Puppy-Dog Eyes appeared because I, like Dean, have no time for this touchy-feely teary-eyed self-recrimination crap. Bitch. Long story short, Sam assumes complete responsibility for unleashing Lucifer upon the Earth -- even though he had a major assist from Dean who, as I believe I noted before, broke the first goddamned seal his own goddamned self -- and Bobby rips Sam a new one, because Bobby is secretly possessed. Ooops! Spoiler! By the way, the curtains adorning this week's motel room are even worse than the wallpaper -- if that's in any way possible without ripping open a hole in the entire space-time continuum and destroying us all -- so it's really a good thing that Secretly Possessed Bobby boots Woebegone And Forlorn Sam out of the room to go read some lore at the local Catholic church at this point, because Darling Sammy is one of my favoritest people on the TV, and I wouldn't want those screaming atrocities striking him blind.

Now, where the hell was I? "Babbling?!" Zip it, Raoul. "Hee! [Slurp!]" Oh, yes: After Still-Darling Yet Woebegone And Forlorn Sammy skulks off all by his lonesome, and after a time-lapse cross-fade of motel room research that ensures the audience notes the presence of The Knife That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't, Secretly Possessed Bobby starts yammering something tedious about Sucky John in a futile attempt to set brother against brother, again, some more, but Secretly Possessed Bobby's natterings instead trip a switch in Dean's brain, so Our Intrepid Hero leaps across the room to root through one of his bottomless duffels until he hauls out a Ziploc baggie filled with the last of his worthless bastard of a so-called father's earthly possessions. He rips the seal open and quickly locates a relevant business card for "Castle Storage" at "42 Rover Hill" somewhere in upstate New York. Get it? The castle on the hill of 42 dogs? Dean's super-stoked over his very own mad reasoning skillz and would, I'm sure, hit the road immediately were it not for Secretly Possessed Bobby hitting him first! "VIOLENCE!" howls Raoul, writhing about upon his overstuffed armchair with glee, all the while ensuring one perfectly honed paw remains steady in the air so as not to lose a drop from his flagon. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" For yes, gentle reader, Openly Possessed Bobby beats Dashing El Deano like Dashing El Deano owes him money, and after kicking Dean's stumpy little bow-legged ass around the room three or four times, Openly Possessed Bobby plants one last boot into Dean's chest to topple Our Intrepid Hero right over into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

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