Supernatural

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Demian: B- | 3 USERS: A+
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The Hardy Boys Are Still Not Having Sex With Each Other!

Upstate New York, eight and a half seconds later. Sam and Dean break into Sucky John's storage unit and warily tiptoe past a posse of dead demonic types sprawled in various novel and intriguing positions on the floor until Zachariah And The Meatheads pop up from out of nowhere to harmonize their way through a few bars of "We See You Told The Demons Where The Sword Is." "I know that one!" Quiet, Raoul. "Hee! [Slurp!]" Dean's response to this heavenly incursion into his worthless bastard of a so-called father's storage unit? "Oh, thank God! The angels are here!" HA! And the point of this scene -- interrupted as it is midway through by an unfortunately timed METAL TEETH CHOMP! -- was...what, exactly? Oh, yes: The Michael Sword? Is Dean. Yep, everyone's favorite "simpering wad of insecurity and self loathing" (Zachariah's words, not mine) is actually also -- in addition to the various other titles and honors he's accumulated over the years -- The Archangel's Vessel. Don't understand it? "I do not!" Well, neither do I, really, so I guess we're all going to have to wait and see what sort of explanation Kripke pulls out of his ass for this one before the end of the season. In any event, and needless to say, Dashing El Deano's less than thrilled with this particular bit of revelation. "Life as an angel condom?" he spits, and hee! Numerous points to Dashing El Deano for that most welcome addition to the Supernatural lexicon. "I think I'll pass, thanks!" Dean seethes, fully aware that angels require their Vessels' freely given consent before taking up residence, so Zachariah calmly points an index finger at Darling Sammy and...breaks both of his heretofore remarkably healthy legs! "DEATH!" howls Raoul, so overexciting himself that his flagon comes dangerously close to sloshing all over the new carpeting. "DEATH TO HE WHO WOULD HARM THE REMARKABLY HEALTHY LEGS!" You know, I'm confused again, Raoul -- I thought you'd narrowed your Winchester-related allegiance down to the-- "DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!" Ooo-kay. We'll be leaving the boozy dragon alone for a little while. "Hee! [Slurp!]"

So, where was I? Oh, yes: Darling Sammy's down there writhing on the floor in unimaginable pain due to his broken legs while Defiant El Deano and Zachariah spit and speechify at each other for about 3,000 years, and the upshot of it all is that Dean -- great big goddamned hero that he's become -- refuses to sacrifice a single human life to Heaven and Hell's utterly pointless war, no matter the consequences to him and his own, so Zachariah gives Dean end-stage stomach cancer. Ooops. And on top of that, Zachariah threatens to upgrade Bobby's already desperate Knife-related injuries to permanent paralysis should Dean continue to refuse to cooperate, and I'm not sure, but I'm getting the sense here that Zachariah doesn't quite understand the concept of "freely given consent." No matter, for Dean still refuses to cave, even after Zachariah magically removes Sam's lungs, so it's quite fortunate for Our Intrepid Heroes indeed when, in a flash of brilliant white light, My Sweet Baboo materializes at the far end of the storage unit to spork one of The Meatheads with Uriel's special angel-smiting scimitar. Raoul and I would, I'm sure, cheer Castiel's triumphant return to the small screen had we not been convinced by Misha Collins's presence in the opening credits scroll that Castiel never really went away, errant molars in matted prophet hair notwithstanding. Right, Raoul? "Right! [Slurp!]" Fantastic.

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Supernatural

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