Episode Report Card
Demian: B- | 2 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Are Still Not Having Sex With Each Other!

So, yeah: Mark Pellegrino, who's playing Lucifer this season, flops onto his side, only to discover his dead wife lying there in the bed next to him, and while it might possibly have genuinely set Raoul affright for whatever reason, I'm mostly sitting around waiting for them to get to the goddamned point already. "It's you, Nick," The Corpse Bride coos, thereby gifting Mark Pellegrino with the clever little character name he'll possess for all of the next 20 minutes before she continues, "You're chosen!" WE KNOW. KEEP IT MOVING! Oh, look -- they're listening to me. The Corpse Bride disappears just as quickly as she'd arrived, and Old Nick gasps and pants and wipes at his disbelieving eyes until he's finally -- finally -- sucked down into the actual first METAL TEETH CHOMP! of the season. Thank God.

Oh, this is awesome. Back from the break, the camera fades up on a slow pan across a Supernatural fangirl's bedroom walls, and she's got a WINCHESTER street sign along with oversized prints of the "Route 666" and "Benders" cover art, but that's not important right now, because what is important right now is that this sad, demented social outcast is composing the latest installment of her epic multi-chapter Winchester Brothers pornography fan fiction as I type this, and if you've never had the great misfortune to scan through any of that crap on LiveJournal, I can assure you that the lines she's rattling out right now are dead-on. "'And then Sam caressed Dean's clavicle,'" the annoying straight woman who writes gay porn about fictional straight men for other annoying straight women who write gay porn about fictional straight men on the Internet narrates as she types. "'"This is wrong!" said Dean. "Then I don't wanna be right!" replied Sam in a husky voice,'" and much as I'm enjoying this slam against patently insane online porn freaks, it really is quite fortunate when The Prophet Chuck interrupts the proceedings with an urgent Skype directed towards his "number one fan," because if I had to hear about the surprising joys of Dean's self-lubricating anus, I would have thrown up. "WHAT?!" Raoul! I didn't hear you toddle back from your den. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?" You don't want to know. "Okay!" Hmm! Surprisingly easy! "You're welcome! [Slurp!]"

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