Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 13 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Work Each Other's Last Damn Nerve

Sam sets a microcassette recorder down on a table in front of a meathead jock frat-boy asshole and some overexcited sorority chick named Jen. We know the young gentleman's a meathead jock frat-boy asshole because he's played by David Tom, who was most recently seen on Veronica Mars as a meathead jock frat-boy asshole named Chip, and we know the overexcited sorority chick is named Jen because that's what the meathead jock frat-boy asshole calls her. Long story short, according to the undergrads present, The Formerly Lecherous Professor had both a successful career and a wife and kids, and so had no reason to kill himself, which is why Jen, among many others on campus, believes he was actually done in by the ghost who supposedly haunts Crawford Hall. Chip immediately dismisses the ghost story as "a total urban legend," and I hate to agree with a meathead jock frat-boy asshole, but it totally is. Seems a coed thirty years ago was conducting a torrid affair with a married lecturer when the guy broke it off, so she committed suicide by flinging herself from the window of Room 669 in Crawford Hall. No one can remember her name, of course, but the important detail appears to be the room's number, for if one inverts the last digit, one ends up with The Mark Of The Beast and whatnot. The meathead jock frat-boy asshole mocks Jen's credulity, or something, so Sam thanks them and beats a hasty retreat over to the bar, where El Deano's sloppily pounding down shot after shot after shot of what initially appears to be Jägermeister, but what we shall soon learn is actually that true college standby, the purple nurple.

"Dean, what are you doing?" Sam huffs, appalled. Dean belches. Sam rolls his eyes and insists they need to check out The Formerly Lecherous Professor's former office, like, right now. Dean boozily advises against such action at the moment. "I got a feisty little wildcat on the hook," he slurs, "and I'm about to -- zzzzoopt! -- reel her in!" We follow Sam's disbelieving eyes up a pair of fishnet-encased legs to arrive at the ratty denim miniskirt barely concealing this floozy's rear end, just as Dean spins around to call "Starla" over for introductions. Stringy-haired and peasant-faced and laden with far too many layers of blue eyeshadow, Starla tosses back a shot of her own as Dean proudly announces Sam as his "shuttle co-pilot, Major Tom." Starla, with a mouth full of teeth and lip gloss, leans heavily across Dean's shoulder to breathe, "Enchanté!" Sam recoils from the fumes. Luckily enough for him, Starla's too distracted to make note of his rudeness because she's now busily throwing up a little bit in her mouth. She manages to choke it back down with a smile as Dean looks on with an expression of unalloyed admiration until he turns back around to Sam to grin, "Good news -- she's got a sister!" Sam's all, "Uh...gross?" with the eyebrows and such as Starla drapes herself all over El Deano's back so the loving couple might shoot a pair of drunkenly delighted grins all the way up at the fifteen-foot-tall prude looming far above their heads, and...

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