Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 13 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Work Each Other's Last Damn Nerve

Chip The Meathead Jock Frat-Boy Asshole crosses the quad in front of Crawford Hall alone, presumably late at night, when a sharp, slicing noise slashes through the air somewhere above his head. He stops to look around but, finding nothing, soon continues on his meathead jock frat-boy asshole way. A louder, lower, almost grinding sound forces him to stop once again, and this time once he's craned his thick head back to scan the apparently empty sky, he's far more unnerved by it all. He slowly steps forward onto the sidewalk just as a searing white light opens up over his overgelled hair. He spins around and takes off down the hill, the light following his every dodge and swerve, until he sprawls flat on his fat, stupid face on a patch of grass. The light finally decides to stop screwing around and emits a bolt of electricity that zaps his frat-boy asshole body into the air, and I have to admit: despite all of this episode's many flaws, this is a damn well-executed effects sequence. Then again, remember what I'm used to. "Evil!" shrieks Raoul. As the tractor beam, or whatever, slowly yanks Chip The Meathead Jock Frat-Boy Asshole off the ground, we flip to an overhead of the action so we can see that the beam's actually burning a circle into the grass at the same time. Chip screams and screams and would scream some more, I'm sure, were his fat stupid meathead jock frat-boy asshole mouth not gobbled up by the METAL TEETH CHOMP!

"Aliens?" Bobby repeats incredulously. "My whole life, I've never found evidence of an honest-to-God abduction -- it's all cranks and pranks!" "Yeah, that's what we thought," Sam shrugs, "but we figured we'd at least talk to the guy." FLASHBACK! "WHEREIN THE DOMINANT BROTHER'S PERSPECTIVE IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND AND IN WHICH THEY PRESENT SCENES NEITHER BROTHER EXPERIENCED FIRSTHAND!" Raoul! Volume! "Hee! Ooops! Just wanted to help you out!"

Back at the campus bar, it's Chip The Meathead Jock Frat-Boy Asshole's turn to down shot after shot after shot, for as we learn -- after he receives assurances from the LYING LIARS WHO LIE that his story will remain off the record, as Our Intrepid Heroes are once again "pretexting" as journalists -- the aliens who abducted him performed "tests" on him. We get brief, harshly-overlit-yet-softly-focused flashes of Chip lashed to an aluminum examination table as grey, waist-high, large-eyed alien types brandish various pointy objects in their long, bony hands. Chip downs another shot before admitting, "And they, uh...they probed me." Sam tries not to laugh while Dean furrows his brow to repeat, "They probed you?" "Yeah!" Chip mewls. "They probed me! Again, and again, and again"-- here he stops to down another shot -- "and again, and again, and again, and then one more time!" Heh. As someone so succinctly noted on the boards, David Tom just can't seem to keep things out of his ass lately on TV, now can he? "And that's not even the worst of it!" Chip claims. "They made me...slow dance!" And in an insanely ludicrous cut that nevertheless made me as happy as a little girl the first time I saw it, the camera slams over to take in a spinning disco ball as the hateful Chris de Burgh wails, "Lady in red! Is dan-cing! With! Me!" The camera pans down to find a wee little waist-high grey alien with enormous, reflective eyes contentedly swaying along to the music with Chip The Meathead Jock Frat-Boy Asshole, who's considerably less happy to be there. The alien tightens its bony arms around his waist and sighs, murmuring a bit of romantic-sounding alien gibberish as it presses its cheek against his stomach before drawing its head back to gaze lovingly up at his eyes. HA! The fact that we just saw all of that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever within the overall narrative construct of the episode, but I'll be damned if it wasn't the funniest thing tonight. Sam and Dean take a long moment to process all of that before the screen freezes once more, and...

...Present-Day Bobby grumbles, "You guys are exaggerating again, huh?" "No," they answer in rather dejected unison from their respective slumps on the room's furniture. "Then this frat boy's just nuts!" Bobby insists. "We're not so sure," Dean confesses as the camera gets all up in his face for yet another FLASHBACK!

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