Episode Report Card
Drunken Bee: B | 5 USERS: B-
The Hardy Boys: It's What's (Almost) For Dinner

Dean takes a look at the locks and decides that they're going to "be a bitch" to unlock. Sam tells him about the automatic control, and Dean asks about what took his brother. Sam responds, "Dude, they're just people." These two need to stop underestimating the evilness of human beings. As Dean fiddles with the lockbox, the brothers discuss what it is the people want from them. Sam is confused, but Dean thinks that's par for the course: "You know, with our usual...playmates, there's rules, patterns, but with people, it's just crazy." True dat. You wouldn't believe the insanity I've been dealing with trying to get our landlord to fix the damn dryers in the basement. I mean, I've literally had to tear out a couple of fingernails to get anybody to do anything around here... Meanwhile, Officer Hottie is listening to their conversation with confusion. Dean mentions that there are a bunch of old cars out there, and deduces that they belong to various kidnapping victims. Officer Hottie asks if he saw a black Mustang, and he says that he did. It was her brother's. Violins swell, trying their damnedest to sow the sympathy we'll need when O.H. ices the head hillbilly for killing her brother. Dean leaves to go find the key to get them out.

Establishing shot of the old house. Inside a dark basement, Dean peers around with the aid of a tiny little flashlight. Lots of shuffling and brief illumination of a brain in a jar. There are a bunch of weird-looking jars full of liquid and probable body parts, and a Polaroid collage tacked up on a piece of chicken wire. Dean takes a closer look at the Polaroids, and, unfortunately, so do we. In each snapshot, a bloody person lies on the ground, his head held up for the camera, two proud "hunters" standing next to him. Ew. Dean grabs one and recognizes the victim as Officer Hottie's brother. He mutters, "Well, I'll say it again. Demons I get, people are crazy," and heads up some creaky stairs into the house proper. The house is a mess, lots of papers on the floor (these hillbillies and their careless tax-form filing), and of course, "eerie" thirties-era piano music plays on a fucking phonograph. Didn't you hear? Old-timey = spooky atmosphere. Weird tinny scratching noises can be heard in the background as Dean makes his way around the house. He walks by a doorway and sees a man doing a little evening butchering, the countertops covered in blood. Jenkins stew tonight? Dean keeps walking, keeping his eye on the guy in the kitchen, and accidentally runs into some sort of mobile hanging from the ceiling that makes a clacking noise when bumped. Dean reaches out to steady it and quiet the sound, and finds that he's touching what look like human jaw and hip bones.We get a better shot of the dad in the kitchen butchering, with lots of high-pitched bone-sawing noises as he melodramatically saws up and down. Where most of us have Calphalon hanging from a pot rack, these fellas have complicated-looking saws and drill bits. I'm wondering if they have digestive problems; if you've got to cook your dinner with a three-foot-long saw, I'm thinking it isn't going to make its way through your bottom system real quiet-like. Dean grabs a big stick and approaches the doorway to the kitchen, clearly rattled by the scraping sound of bone being cut through. He spots a set of keys on a tabletop and makes his way toward them, past the goddamned phonograph, as Dad switches the saw for a cleaver. Dean pauses for no good reason before grabbing the keys to pick up and inspect a large Mason jar full of teeth. He hears a creaking noise and whips around to find Missy standing in the middle of the next room approaching him. She puts on a scared look and Dean falls for it, telling her not to be scared. She hisses, "I know!", sinks a knife into his leg, and screams, "Dadday! Dadday!" Both brothers come running, and then we get a Bruckheimer handheld cacophony of a fight scene, with lots of throwing and kicking and crashing and thrashing. Dean gets to the center of the room and takes a moment to get clever, "I'm gonna kick your ass first, and then yours," just as the father walks up behind him and whaps him with a frying pan to the back of the head. Metal Teeth Chomp.

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