Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: D- | 5 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
The Hardy Boys Make It A Manwitch Night

Not so quiet? Wifey's clunky clodhopping heels as she trots across the living room's bare floorboards before galumphing up the stairs. Also not so quiet? Wifey's delirious screech of horror when she arrives at the bathroom to find her beloved's rapidly cooling corpse slumped somewhere budget-saving and off-screen. Wifey screams and screams and screams and screams and...

...SPLAT! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, writhing about his overstuffed armchair with continued delight over the fifth season's bloody title card before he calms his overexcited self down a bit and turns to your faithful recapper to glare. Yes, Raoul? "Hmph!" I take it you are displeased with something? "Hmph!" Well, don't just sit there fuming -- tell me what's on yo... "You'll pardon me, I'm sure!" Raoul shrieks, rudely interrupting me. "But is what I've heard about this particular installment of our usually charming Thursday-evening divertissement correct?!" I don't know what you've he... "Is there no VIOLENCE!? Have they dispensed with the GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE?!" Ah. I'm afraid they have, my scaly friend. "You're on your own!" But...but...you'll miss the fascinating character study that unfolds as Dean processes through his complicated emotional reaction to sudden aging! And the deep insights we receive regarding Bobby's ongoing disability! And, um, something about Darling Sammy's remarkably broad shoulders! "LIAR!" Raoul shrieks in an orgy of disdain. "FIEND!" he shrieks again, two perfect circles of outraged smoke popping from his indignantly flared nostrils. "J'ACCUSE!" he shrieks once more, jabbing an exquisitely manicured claw of condemnation in my general direction, and you can knock it off anytime you feel like it, Raoul, because I think you've made your point. Now, what did you mean about me being on my own? "Why, this!" the dizzy lizard snits, and with that, he wriggles his tubby derriere from the depths of his overstuffed armchair and flounces off to his den, from which presently emerges the opening narration to that timeless classic of the British cinema, Hot Fuzz. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Oh, terrific. I have to plow through this mess without my normally faithful recapping companion while said normally faithful recapping companion is watching something far more entertaining than this mess? Thanks for nothing, show.

Well, let's get to it, then, starting with dispatching Poor Dead Xavier as quickly as possible. The LYING LIARS WHO LIE, masquerading as doctors from The Centers For Disease Control, have already arrived in this evening's never-named town by the time we've joined them, and are now getting the particulars from the oddly blasé coroner, who announces that the only thing she can tell them at the moment is that Xavier was 25 years old and "died of old age," even though he clearly suffered a heart attack during the teaser, so add the coroner herself to the ever-expanding list of Things That Suck About This Episode. Out in the hall, Dashing El Deano whips open his cell and quickly connects to Bobby -- who, though still in his wheelchair, has evidently continued to monitor the Internet for strange, possibly Apocalypse-related occurrences from his palatial estate deep within the lush coastal rainforests of central South Dakota, as it becomes clear through the dialogue that follows that Speed Racer himself informed Our Intrepid Heroes of Poor Dead Xavier's most unusual cause of death in the first place. Dean confirms that Poor Dead Xavier is, indeed, the only inappropriately aged corpse in this never-named burg, but adds that there are several outstanding missing persons cases, as well. Bobby, guided by little more than a hunch that the various cases might be connected, orders the boys to investigate further, and Our Intrepid Heroes are about to do so when Dean foolishly thinks to ask how Bobby's adjusting to his life as a cripple, or something like that. Because Bobby is a salty old coot not given to chick-flicky vagina monologues, he snaps back something sarcastic about weeping into his Häagen-Dazs before calling Dean an "idjit" and slamming down his phone in a testosterone-fuelled rage. Or something like that. Of course, we know that Bobby Is Really Having Issues With His Newfangled Paralysis because the camera lingers on him for a very lengthy period of time after he's hung up on Dean, and we get to watch as he slouches down a little into An Attitude Of Abject Sadness And Despair, and we're barely three minutes into this wretched excuse of an episode, and already I want it over with. Uck. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Shut up, Raoul. Of course, he can't hear me, so let's do our best to ignore him and join Our Intrepid Heroes as they...

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Supernatural

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