Supernatural

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The Hardy Boys in the Garden of Good and Evil
the afflicted in 2014, somehow infected the now-deceased hunter during the course of the mission just completed, and Future Dean -- who didn't see "the point in troubling a good man with bad news" -- quite awesomely blew the completely oblivious guy away shortly after the gentleman in question began manifesting symptoms of the disease. "Oooh! Oooh!" Yes, Raoul? You have something to add? "I do! [A-him!] It would have been more awesome if that charming little bow-legged gentleman of the future had hacked his misfortunate compatriot to death! With a machete!" Oh, what an excellent idea, my scaly friend -- after all, if they're going to rip off 28 Days Later, they might as well do it right. "My thoughts exactly!"

In any event, The Deans, being Deans, hiss and spit and scratch at each other before calling a truce, and over a couple of shots of whiskey, Present Dean finally thinks to inquire as to the purpose of the mission. To capture The Fucking Colt That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't, of course. I swear to God, when this show ends, I'm going to buy that goddamned prop just so I can smash it to pieces with a sledgehammer. Future Dean draws the fucking thing from his duffel and boasts, "Took me five years, but I finally got it, and tonight? Tonight, I'm gonna kill The Devil!" Future Dean takes another swig of whiskey, tossing his head right back into the METAL TEETH CHOMP! in the process, and we enter the episode's second commercial break pondering the best-laid plans of mice and stumpy little bow-legged midgets.

Back from the break, Future Dean's called for a processing summit, and those attending include Risa, The Deans, Castarishi Mahesh Baboo, and absolutely no one else, for Chuck is the only other camper allowed to speak during this evening's presentation, and as Chuck pretty much sucks in any and all crisis situations, his presence has been deemed unnecessary. More or less. After a brief bout of additional Wacky Double Dean Hijinks, Future Dean gets down to business: Lucifer and his entourage have ensconced themselves in a nearby city -- unidentifiable to yours truly based on the brief glimpse I got of Future Dean's map -- and the plan, such as it is, involves those present to sneak into Lucifer's sanctuary so Future Dean can shoot Satan in the face with The Fucking Colt That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't. Castarishi Mahesh Baboo scoffs. "Are you saying my plan is reckless?" Future Dean peeves. "If you don't like 'reckless,'" The Castarishi shrugs, "I could use 'insouciant,' maybe." Hee. Future Dean blows past The Castarishi's amusing insolence to demand, "Are you coming or not?" The Castarishi, of course, will follow anywhere Future Dean leads him, no matter his reservations, though he does wonder why Present Dean's tagging along, what with the overwhelming likelihood of gruesome death for everyone involved in the foolish scheme, but Future Dean simply orders Risa and The Castarishi to be ready to motor at midnight, and sends them on their way.

Once they've left, Present Dean repeats The Castarishi's excellent question, and gets this for an answer: "You'll be fine -- Zach's looking after you, right?" "That's not what I mean," Present Dean squints, and it sure as hell sounded like that's what you meant, but I'll let you continue, just as long as you keep it brief. "Most generous of you, I'm sure!" Thanks for the kind words, Raoul. "Not a problem!" "I wanna know what's going on," Present Dean continues. Future Dean mulls that one over for a minute or so, then sidles right on up into his present-day doppelganger's face and growls, "You're coming because I want you to see something -- I want you to see our brother!" DUN! "I thought he was dead," Present Dean blinks, for Present Dean is a moron. "Sam didn't die in Detroit, dumbass!" Future Dean pretty much replies. "He said yes!" Dun-dun-DUN! "Lucifer's wearing him to the prom!" Future Dean emphasizes, unwittingly parroting Present Dean's dark joke from the top of the hour, except for the fact that this entire exercise is a construct concocted by Zachariah for the sole purpose of coercing Present Dean to say yes to Michael, so of course the parroting is intentional, because Zachariah eavesdropped on Present Dean's entire conversation before zapping him into this alternate reality. Of course, Present Dean's too dim to realize this, and so reacts badly to the news that Darling Sammy is now an angel condom, and reacts even worse when Zachariah's version of Future Dean continues, "And we've got to kill him, and you need to see it -- the whole damn thing, how bad it gets -- so you can do it different!" "What do you mean?" Present Dean frowns, for he is an idiot. "Zach said he was going to bring you back, right, to oh-nine?" Zachariah's version of Future Dean duhs. "When you get back home, you say yes! Do you hear me? You say yes to Michael!" Present Dean refuses to let it go, and almost yells, "Are you crazy? If I let him in, then Michael fights The Devil -- the battle's gonna torch half the planet!" "Look around you!" Zachariah's version of Future Dean shouts. "Half the planet's better than no planet, which is what we have now!" "If I could do it over again," he hisses, "I'd say yes in a heartbeat!" "So why don't you?" Present Dean challenges. Zachariah's version of Future Dean claims he's tried, repeatedly, but "the angels aren't listening" because "they just left [and] gave up" years ago. "I'm begging you," Zachariah's version of Future Dean finishes, "say yes!" Present Dean's silent, but his eyes remain defiant. Zachariah's version of Future Dean takes this in, shakes his head, and sneers, "But you won't, because I didn't, because that's just not us, is it?" It's an accusation, and it's a statement filled with vast amounts of self-loathing and recrimination, and as good as Jensen Ackles has been playing two different versions of the character of himself thus far this evening, he just got somewhere very close to excellent in this scene. Bravo.

Midnight. The gang's about to motor on over to that unidentifiable city, but first, Present Dean has an amusing little chit-chat with Chuck, in which The Prophet Of The Lord offers the following piece of sage advice: "If you ever get back, you hoard toilet paper, understand me? Hoard it! Hoard it like it's made of gold, because it is!" Heh. Dean cocks a disbelieving eyebrow, then finally offers a curt, "Thanks, Chuck." And with that, the doomed raiding party rides off.

Out on the road, Present Dean and Castarishi Mahesh Baboo indulge in a little heart-to-heart, and while Castarishi Mahesh Baboo continues to amuse me in ways I never thought possible, what with his newfound love of mixing amphetamines and absinthe, he's just another tiny part of the construct concocted by Zachariah for the sole purpose of coercing Present Dean to say yes to Michael, so all you really need to know (probably -- again, I reserve the right to change my mind when Kripke decides to tie up all of the season's loose ends within the last five minutes of the finale in May) is that Zachariah's version of Castarishi Mahesh Baboo watched his angelic mojo drain away when his brethren abandoned the planet, and now he's "powerless," "hapless," and "hopeless" -- along with "bewitched," "bothered," and "bewildered," I'm sure, as he's certainly little more than a simpering, whimpering child in this scene -- with little choice but to fritter away what little time he has left indulging in marijuana-fueled orgies, longing for the time when his existence still meant something. Got all that? "In fact, I was not paying any attention whatsoever!" Wise choice, my lizardly companion. Wise choice.

The Camp Chitaqua Away Team prowls through the ruins of The Watchmen set, so I guess we're still supposed to be in Kansas City, especially when they wind up at the nonexistent "Jackson County Sanitarium," but the hell with all of that, becaus

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