Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | 6 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Hardy Boys in the Garden of Good and Evil
e I've got to deal with some more Double Dean Drama. Crouched outside the sanitarium, Zachariah's version of Future Dean gives the others their marching orders, which basically involve attacking the second-floor day room, or something like that. Present Dean, however, catches something in his supposed future self's expression, and drags Zachariah's version of Future Dean off to one side for a chat. Long story short, Present Dean accuses Zachariah's version of Future Dean of being a LYING LIAR WHO LIES, and when he threatens to voice his concerns to the other members of The Camp Chitaqua Away Team, Zachariah's version of Future Dean caves, and admits he's using the others as decoys. Yes, this means they'll be slaughtered like red-headed step-chickens, but Zachariah's version of Future Dean claims he has no other choice. Present Dean freaks. "You're making decisions I would never make!" Ding-ding-ding-ding! That's because he's not really you, you dipshit! "I must admit!" Raoul interjects. "That delightful little bundle of free-floating angst does seem just a bit dunderheaded this evening!" This is what I'm saying, my scaly friend. "So I see! Please continue!" Thanks. In any event, Present Dean attempts to keep arguing, but Zachariah's version of Future Dean gets sick of all the jaw flapping, and rams Present Dean in the head with a rifle butt. I'll have to remember that technique the next time I'm stuck in some endless conversation with one of the tedious heterosexuals at my sister's bar.

Some lengthy period of time later, Present Dean wakes up face down in a ditch to the sounds of a firefight on the nonexistent sanitarium's second floor. Present Dean frantically jogs around to the garden at the building's rear, and arrives along with an ominous clap of thunder overhead just in time to watch a white-clad Lucifer stepping on Zachariah's version of Future Dean's throat in order to snap his neck, thereby echoing certain bits of Marian iconography which feature a white-clad Mary stepping on serpentine Satan's throat in order to snap his neck, and oh, show. Oh, clever, clever show. Garish bursts of lightning crash overhead once Zachariah's version of Future Dean is dead, and Jesus Christ, but Zachariah's a frigging drama queen. And once the deed is done, Lucifer -- wearing Darling Sammy as a prom dress, over which he's layered a deeply heinous white polyester televangelist leisure suit with matching grandpa loafers -- turns to smile, "Oh! Hello, Dean." Lucifer flares his unusually large Darling Sammy-brand nostrils all the way out to the METAL TEETH CHOMP! and we enter the episode's third commercial break cursing Jared Padalecki's supernatural ability to make white polyester televangelist leisure suits with matching grandpa loafers look hot.

Garden Of Eden, Missouri Division. Aftermath. And long story short, Zachariah's version of Lucifer In Sam In A Polyester Televangelist Leisure Suit With Matching Grandpa Loafers barfs up a justification for his fall that's pretty much lifted from Paradise Lost, if I'm remembering it correctly, which I probably am not. The good thing is, Zachariah's version of Lucifer In Sam In A Polyester Televangelist Leisure Suit With Matching Grandpa Loafers looks really hot doing it. The clever thing is, Zachariah's version of Lucifer In Sam In A Polyester Televangelist Leisure Suit With Matching Grandpa Loafers takes a moment during all the speechification to admire a red rose, 'cause, you know, apples and such. Of note is the fact that Present Dean, once Zachariah's version of Lucifer In Sam In Leisure Suit With Loafers gets done with the talking, calls his adversary "an ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground supernatural piece of crap," which ties in nicely with the whole Book Three thing they've got going on during this scene. And that's pretty much it, save for the very end of the scene, wherein Dashing El Deano warns Zachariah's version of Lucifer In Sam In Leisure Suit With Loafers to kill him now, elsewise he "will find a way to kill" Satan, and he won't stop until he's done so. Zachariah's version of Lucifer In Sam In Leisure Suit With Loafers knows that Dean won't stop, but he also knows a few other things, as well: "I know you won't say yes to Michael, either, and I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up here." And as A Single, Perfect Manly Tear escapes Dean's left eye to run down his cheek Zachariah's version of Lucifer In Sam In Leisure Suit With Loafers smiles and concludes, "I win, so...I win. See you in five years, Dean." Lightning crashes, and in a blink of Dean's eye, Zachariah's version of Lucifer In Sam In Leisure Suit With Loafers is gone. Dean spins around to fumble for an exit, only to find Zachariah blocking his path -- almost as if on cue -- to zap Dashing El Deano into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!, and we enter the episode's final commercial break still wondering how in the hell Jensen Ackles managed to train his tears to release themselves one perfect manly drop at a time, because God knows Jared Padalecki's prone to dissolving into a snot-streaked, slobbering mess, and he could use a few words of advice from his elder co-star.

Century Hotel, Present Day. Aftermath. Dean, shuddering against the room's sink, somehow manages to pull himself together and snark, "Well, if it isn't The Ghost Of Christmas Screw You!" "Enough," Zachariah replies, and there's kindness in his tone. "You saw it, right? You saw what happens! You're the only person who can prove The Devil wrong." "How do I know this whole thing isn't one of your tricks?" Dean finally -- FINALLY -- thinks to ask, but Zachariah neatly dodges an actual response by announcing, "The time for tricks is over." Yeah, now, immediately after you've finished fucking with the poor boy's brain again. Zachariah once more urges Dean to say yes, and Dean once more tells Zachariah to roll it up tight and cram it, and this latest bit of insolence instantly flips Zachariah's mood over to "violently vengeful," and things are about to get very loud indeed when...

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