Back at the Overlook, Sam wakes up in a bathtub of ice water. He flails and makes a series of incoherent sounds and bats away Dean's hands when he tries to help him out. "I found you on the floor, passed out with a temperature of 107," Dean says. He wraps a towel around baby bro's shoulders. "Metatron is here," Sam says between bouts of shivering. "I know it, I can hear him!" He says he's connected to Metatron somehow. He tells Dean about the books the manager has been delivering to him, which makes Dean remember what he heard about the messenger's yen for stories.
Back to Biggerson's, where Crowley is showing off his new gun. "I had my R&D people melt down one of your [All-Purpose Angel Swords] and cast it into bullets." That doesn't seem like it should be possible, but whatever. Naomi skedaddles without taking Castiel with her, for some reason. Ion has left behind, as well, but it turns out he's working with the King of Hell. Crowley shoots Castiel in the gut; the wound glows, but God's Dreamiest Angel manages to cling to life.
Ion brings Castiel to Crowley's office so everyone can have a chat. "I assume you won't die just yet," Crowley says. "Takes a painful long time to bleed out from the gut." Why would bleeding kill an angel? It's not like it's the angel's blood. I've got to stop wondering about these things or I'll never make it through the recap. "You can do whatever you want, Crowley," Castiel says. "I'll never tell you where I buried the tablet." Crowley doesn't think that will be a problem. He's gotten the backstory from Ion about how Castiel touched the tablet and broke his connection to Naomi. "I was thinking to myself, 'Self, if Cass got away from her by touching the tablet, why would he ever stop touching the tablet?'" Castiel looks nervous because his powers do not include a working poker face. Crowley pokes his fingers into Castiel's bullet wound and fishes around in his innards until he pulls out the tablet while Castiel gurgles and screams. Congratulations! It's a five-pound chunk of stone! Ion looks away, surprisingly squeamish for someone who's been selling out the angels. Before he can work up a really good gloat, Crowley gets a call from fake Sam and fake Dean. Kevin sent them off in search of the other half of the tablet and instead imprisoned them in a Devil's Trap with "Spanish Flea" blasting at full volume. Crowley flounces off to deal with his latest string of incompetent minions, leaving Ion in charge of Castiel.