Crackle, Crackle...what? Okay, first the lovely images of Raoul and his trusty compatriots are banished from Television Without Pity, and now The Kripkeeper's thrown out the Crackle, Crackle! in favor of a dirge-like church bell tolling as some dreary, '80s-retro Spinal-Tap-without-the-attitude metallic capitals blur in on the screen to shimmer "THE ROAD SO FAR" for a moment before fading into black? This is bullshit!
Oh, the hell with it. If I start screaming about everything that's wrong with this episode here at the four-second mark, this recap's going to end up somewhere in the 300 page range, and tonight's dishearteningly underwhelming third-season premiere just isn't worth it, so let's just jump right into the Previouslys, shall we?
As that bell tolls again, The Reaper glides silently past El Deano's scantily clad back, and just as Dean spins around in his loose-fitting hospital scrub pants to gape at all of us in the audience, Dean's voice over begins, "Look, [our worthless bastard of a so-called father's] gone now!" Thank God, and hopefully for good this time. Ignoring me completely, Dean's Voice Over continues, presumably speaking to Darling Sammy, "We have to carry out [the worthless bastard's] legacy!" The camera's by now cut over to Darling Sammy growing increasingly horrified as a marble supplicant angel begins shuddering seemingly of its own accord deep within the crypt of Our Lady Of The Dead Gay Tobeys. Don't blink, Sam! Blink, and you're dead! Oh, wait. He can't die anymore because he's a zombie, right? Never mind. Blink away, you impossibly gargantuan freak of nature! Now, where was I? Oh, yeah: as Sam slowly spins to gaze with wonderment upon the holy visage of David Monahan, Dean's Voice Over concludes, "And that means hunting down as many evil sons of bitches as we possibly can!"
YEEEEAAAAAA...WHAT?! Oh, for Christ's sake. Those of you expecting another "Renegade" style Moment Of Titanic Awesomeness after that inspiring little speech were no doubt as sorely disappointed as I was when the soundtrack simply continued on with the slow opening guitar chords of "Hells Bells" by AC/DC. It's a wretchedly somber and dispiriting way for them to kick this season's ass into gear, especially as this ROAD SO FAR is one of the most cleverly and entertainingly put together I've seen on this show, so I'll be skipping through it all to hit the main points: Last season, Our Intrepid Heroes shot, sliced, impaled, gutted, punched, beat, burned, and had sex with a variety of fun-loving demonic sorts until a certain shoulder-smashing aggravation named G.I. Jake put a stop to their yearlong romp by plunging a knife into Darling Sammy's remarkably broad back. El Deano -- tremendous pussy that he not-so-secretly-anymore is -- quickly descended into a distressing series of girly and tear-streaked chick flick moments over Darling Sammy's fifteen-foot-long corpse until he finally traded his eternal soul plus all remaining years of his life save one in exchange for a zombified Sam, who may or may not be quite himself, entirely, after his resurrection. And while Our Dear Boys did then manage to slaughter their lifelong enemy The Ceiling Demon, it was not before The Ceiling Demon managed to open a damned door to Hell, thereby releasing hundreds -- if not thousands -- of ancient and long-imprisoned evils once more upon the planet, surprisingly few of whom were once married to Zsa Zsa Gabor. Got all that? Good, 'cause it's time for the...