Supernatural

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Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: A
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The Hardy Boys Cure Insomnia

...Crackle, Cra-- oh, go to Hell, Kripke. For many, many reasons, the first of which involves the tail end of that fine ROAD SO FAR sequence simply vanishing into a silent void from which emerges this year's NOW in the same dull metallic lettering that is apparently this season's signature font. That tedious and silent NOW lingers for the briefest of moments on the screen before we cross-fade to a nighttime suburban street the location card identifies as belonging to "Oak Park, Illinois." Of course, this being Supernatural, Oak Park's now high atop a bluff overlooking downtown Chicago, the skyline of which glows in the near distance beyond the end of this cul-de-sac, and: Hell, Kripke. Now. Eventually, the camera swings down to land upon your typical middle-aged white suburban sad-sack sort, dejectedly exiting his house to drag his trash to the curb, and wow, I feel like an idiot right now, because it took six -- six -- viewings of this tiny moment for me to realize he's gazing upon his neighbor's late-model convertible with more than a hint of -- wait for it -- envy. Oh, show. Oh, clever, clever show. In any event, no sooner has this mildly covetous suburbanite tossed the garbage into one of the cans at the end of his driveway when that can and the one beside it start rattling around ominously, seemingly of their own accord. As a forlorn dog barks away in the background (and there's always some goddamned forlorn mutt howling away in the background of these things), The Mildly Covetous Suburbanite -- whose pants are hiked all the way up around his nipples, by the way -- foolishly approaches to investigate, instead of screaming away in the opposite direction like a normal person. The unnatural rattling of the cans is soon joined by the unnatural flickering of every single damned light lining the street, and a sudden crash of thunder overhead leads The Mildly Covetous Suburbanite to direct his attention skywards, where his wondering eyes and slack jaw find a roiling cloud of bitterly black demonic foulness now arriving in the greater Chicagoland area from The Great Divide Basin in Wyoming. Uh oh. Hundreds of tendrilly demonic swirls erupt from the main bulk of the cloud to descend upon the city, with one -- can you guess which? -- drawing a target right on The Mildly Covetous Suburbanite's now-fleeing back. It lashes out with enough force to send The Mildly Covetous Suburbanite sprawling onto his own walk, and then rears up into the air for a moment before plunging its phallic way into The Mildly Covetous Suburbanite's wide-open mouth. And after the shaking and the shuddering and the grunts of discomfort and dismay are done, The Officially Envious Suburbanite opens his beetle-black eyes. DUN! He rises slowly to his feet to watch with a small grin on his face as the other tendrilly demonic swirls stream across Oak Park Bluff to dive-bomb the city proper, and their multitudinous blackness gradually overwhelms the skyline until...

RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" Raoul! So nice of you to join us. "My pleasure!" So, no hard feelings, then? "Of course not! After all, you weren't responsible for the late unpleasantness regarding my contract negotiations with NBC Universal!" I was wondering how all that.... "SILENCE! We shall not speak of it! Suffice to say it's now freed me to pursue other opportunities!" Such as? "Two words: Food Network!" Oh. Um. The Food Network? Really? "Well, I can't say too much about it at the moment, of course, but that's neither here nor there! Aren't we supposed to be recapping this dreadful episode?!" Well, if you insist. "I do!" Okay, then.

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Supernatural

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