Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 2 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Cure Insomnia

From the blackness that follows the new title card -- more about that later, I suppose -- come the words "One Week Later." The pores on Darling Sammy's freshly zombified face arrive shortly after, along with a number of ominous chords on the soundtrack as the camera flips around to reveal Our Intrepid Hero's currently reading up on both Doctor Faustus and the "Devil At The Crossroads" via flashlight. And just where is such diligent studying taking place? Why, in the Impala's front seat, of course, for Doomed El Deano's apparently commandeered use of this week's motel room for a little premarital fornication with a pair of lively young ladies he'll later refer to as "The Doublemint Twins." Alas -- or perhaps fortunately, given the reaction to this development on the boards -- we see nothing of the sinful goings-on inside the room, but we do learn that Dean prefers both shapeless and ill-fitting white beaters and Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" as his premarital fornication accessories of choice. Yes, he cranks up the latter while sporting the former to give Zombie Sam an enthusiastic thumbs-up from inside the room before closing the window's filmy curtains. Zombie Sam grins to himself at Doomed El Deano's wacky antics for a bit until his cell phone rings. He answers to find Bobby on the other end, tearing through the night in a battered Chevelle SS while riffling through several months' worth of exposition in the front seat. Long story short, Bobby orders the boys to meet up with him, pronto, as the effects of last week's jaunt to Wyoming -- yes, "last week's," meaning seven days ago according to this show's infernal internal chronology -- are now being felt. So, the dutiful zombie promptly interrupts his doomed brother's acrobatic exertions, and we're soon...

...tearing off through the night in the Impala with Our Dear Boys bickering and bantering about El Deano's acrobatic exertions, but we'll be ignoring all of that because we're already six and a half goddamned minutes into a thirty-nine minute season premiere, and has there been a single drop of gore to speak of? "NO!" Raoul vehemently shrieks, feeling as cheated as I. No, indeed, my scaly friend, so let's cut through all of this crap to get to the facts: Bobby's terribly excited, for a sudden crop failure plus a swarm of cicadas outside Lincoln, Nebraska, indicates something demonic's afoot, but the boys are decidedly less so, because the very night they watched G.I. Jake open a damned door to Hell, roiling clouds of bitterly black demonic foulness were spotted over seventeen American cities, and Our Intrepid Heroes were expecting something a little more extreme than "a bad crop and a bug problem." Eventually, we arrive with the Impala the following morning at a farmhouse on the outskirts of Lincoln, where Sam and Dean find Bobby and the Chevelle already waiting for them. As they disembark, they note the preponderance of cicada chittering on the soundtrack, and Bobby snidely remarks upon Dean wolfing down a bacon cheeseburger for breakfast -- shut up, Bobby -- before getting down to business. Dean bangs on the farmhouse's front door for a bit, then jimmies the lock, only nearly to hack up that delicious bacon cheeseburger immediately upon entering the home's foyer. Seems the foul odor of human rot's permeating the place, and... "And ONCE AGAIN!" Raoul shrieks, rudely interrupting the flow of my thoughts. "Oh, do be quiet for just one second, Chatty Cathy! This is important! [Ahem!] ONCE AGAIN, I renew my call for scratch-and-sniff strips to be distributed before each telecast! There is simply no reason in this day and age for the audience to be left wanting when it comes to the delightfully malodorous on this program! Why does that silly little Kripke man continue to ignore me?!" Because this show's miniscule budget couldn't possibly accommodate a nationwide marketing effort of that nature? "..." Well? "Oh, I hate it when you insist upon being sensible about something so piddling and transient as money! This is art!" This is actually a recap with a deadline, so could you please calm yourself a little bit? Hmmm? "Fine!"

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