Episode Report Card
admin: D+ | 1 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Cure Insomnia

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah: As Bobby takes off in one direction to investigate the source of the stench now assaulting their nostrils, Li'l Stumpy and his impossibly ginormous zombie of a brother whip automatics out of their waistbands and, with the Tough-Guy Jazz-Hands in full razzle-dazzle, cautiously angle their way through the main floor until they notice a woman's cries emanating from the back of the house. They boot their collective way through one last closed door and nearly vomit the second they discover what awaits: Charlene Tilton shrilling her talent-free ass off on a thirty-year-old Dallas rerun on the TV. Ooops. My bad. Our Dear Boys' gag reflexes were actually activated by what's sprawled out on the sofa in front of the rerun: A rapidly decaying trio of emaciated farmhouse corpses. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Raoul shrieks delightedly for the first time this season, despite the fact so little of it is evident in this scene. "Oh, let me have my fun!" he pouts. "Lord knows there's so little of it to be had for either of us in this dreadful premiere!" True, true. In any event, neither the boys nor Bobby -- who has since joined them in The Parlor Of Bad 1970s Actresses And Death -- have any idea what killed these people, but they do remember to check the windowsills for sulphur, and Dean starts when an unexpected shadow passes across his window from the porch outside. After flipping a couple of sassy gang symbols at the others -- oh, like I know from military-style hand signals -- Dean sneaks out to investigate and...

...immediately gets his ass handed to him by someone we've never met before! Yep, a heretofore unknown gentleman of color quickly and violently subdues wiry El Deano with the butt of a pump-action shotgun before arming the thing and pointing its business end at stunned El Deano's head. As Dean pants and bleeds freely from his nose on his back on the porch, Bobby strolls up from behind him with a pleasantly surprised, "Isaac? Tamara?" The new arrivals greet Bobby by name -- Tamara's got a bizarre British accent, by the way, likely because the actress is a bizarre British woman who willingly appeared on Torchwood as a Cyberdominatrix who got the snot knocked out of her by a pterodactyl, and if you have to ask, you don't really want to know -- and the three shake hands while Dean continues to bleed out at their feet.

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