Episode Report Card
Demian: D+ | 1 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Cure Insomnia

Meanwhile, down on the lawn, a mysterious and slender blonde emerges from the shadow of a tree to gaze upon the looming barn of an apparently abandoned Victorian, and millions of strident Supernatural fangirls immediately crash all of LiveJournal's servers when they rise up to register their deeply intense anger at this development at the exact same time.

The next morning, The Officially Envious Suburbanite from the top of the hour -- now dressed in casual, rumpled layers and jeans -- ambles into a women's clothing store and approaches an alarmingly jawed bleach-blonde who'd been pawing through the racks. "'Scuse me," he opens, and the vertebrae in the bleach-blonde's neck strain and groan as they swivel her three-foot-wide jaw around in The Envious Suburbanite's direction so she might hoist her eyebrows, all, "Yes?" The Envious Suburbanite lays a too-calm palm on Jawzilla's shoulder and grins, "Those are nice shoes," while nodding in the direction of a pump-fondling brunette further across the shop's floor. Demonic whisperings abound on the soundtrack as Jawzilla takes one look at the hideous pair of lime-green heels in the brunette's hands and breathily agrees, "They are nice!" "Evil!" shrieks Raoul, delightedly clapping his paws together. "She's obviously under the influence of simply abject amounts of evil, because those revolting things look like high-heeled Crocs!" I couldn't agree more, my scaly friend, but do hush so we can take in the awesomeness that follows. Jawzilla, under The Envious Suburbanite's approving eye, approaches the brunette and is all, "I want those shoes!" and the taste-free and snotty brunette's all, "Sorry, last pair, and you might want to do something about your roots, whore," and Jawzilla's all, "Rude!" as the taste-free and snotty brunette sails towards the register with her hideous pair of lime-green high-heeled Crocs, and the next thing we know, the taste-free and snotty brunette's out on the street, and here's where the awesome really begins, because Jawzilla storms right up behind the brunette, snatches her up by her hair, and slams her taste-free and snotty brunette phizz right into the windshield of a car! "VIOLENCE!" shrieks Raoul, squirming around with delight upon his overstuffed armchair. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT VIOLENCE!" "And over a pair of pumps, too!" he giggles. Indeed, and it only gets better, for as the car's alarm howls in the background, Jawzilla hauls the taste-free and snotty brunette's head back before slamming her face-first into the windshield again and again and again, each impact leaving behind larger amounts of the taste-free and snotty brunette's blood until Jawzilla finally slams her against the windshield with enough force to shatter both the windshield itself, which erupts instantly into a spiderweb of cracks, and the taste-free and snotty brunette's skull, which erupts instantly through her eye socket with positively dizzying amounts of... "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" As random passersby go near ultrasonic with dismay and Raoul goes near ultrasonic with delight, Jawzilla drags the thoroughly brained taste-free and snotty brunette's slackened face across the shattered windshield before unceremoniously dumping her gore-bestreaked corpse onto the sidewalk. After Jawzilla's snatched up the coveted shopping bag and calmly wanders off, the camera travels back down to the brunette, whose not quite dead pinky finger twitches its uncontrollable way directly into a most enthusiastic METAL TEETH CHOMP! "Eeee-EEEE-eeee-EEEE-eeee-EEEE-EEEEE!" That's how you start a motherfucking season! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Let's watch it again! "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

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