Episode Report Card
Demian: C- | 3 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Just Have Their Party On TV

...Pontiac, where Claire's greeting her father for the first time in nearly a year, and if I cared at all about these people -- which I do not, in case I haven't made myself clear on that point prior to this scene -- it would be terribly touching and heartfelt, indeed, I'm sure, but because I really don't give a shit about these people, let's leap ahead to join them for a most uncomfortable and BORING supper of sandwiches and milk. After La Famille Jimmy arranges itself around the table, Jimmy immediately reaches for a roast beef on wheat. "Deddy?" Jimmy's bizarrely British daughter interrupts. "Errren't yew going tew say grace?" Jimmy tears up -- and seriously, despite how much I hate this material, I must admit My Darling Misha's selling the hell out of it -- and admits, "No, honey, I don't think I am," which is a sage move on Jimmy's part, given how freaking literal Heaven appears to be. "Why err yew crying?" asks Bizarro Brit. "'Cause I'm happy," Jimmy smiles, and this would be terribly touching and heartfelt, indeed, as well, were Mrs. Jimmy not currently eyeballing her husband like he's a manic-depressive sociopath on crack. Poor Jimmy.

In any event, the doorbell rings at that moment, and Mrs. Jimmy rises from the table to find their neighbor "Roger" at the door, and because Roger looks like a ferret and sports a goatee, we know he's been secretly demonically enhanced, so I'll be skipping ahead to the bit where Roger's eyes flip beetle-black as he vows, "I'm gonna gut your daughter while you watch!" Roger allows his eyes to flip back to normal just before the oblivious Mrs. Jimmy arrives with a pair of brewskis for the boys, so naturally, she freaks the fuck out when Jimmy snatches up a candlestick from the nearby mantle and starts bashing Roger's face, and you'll have to excuse me for a moment while I poke Raoul with a stick. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZ-- ow! What on earth are you...VIOLENCE!" Raoul, really. You should know by now never to question my motivation when I poke your unconscious derriere with a stick. "Oh, you dear little man! It's delightful!" Indeed it is, my scaly friend, for as Mrs. Jimmy drops the glass bottles to the floor in abject shock and horror and whatnot and screams and wails and panics and such, Jimmy never misses a beat on Roger's possessed skull with the candlestick, all the while howling for his wife to flee from the house with their bizarre British daughter. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT VIOLENCE!" Most amusing is the fact that Jimmy's practically leaping into the air on each upswing, the better to bring down the full force of his weight upon Roger's head, and his tie keeps flipping up and down in an excruciatingly adorable manner until everything's swallowed up by the METAL TEETH CHOMP! Hee.

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