The Slice Girls

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 5 USERS: B
The Hardy Boys Really Need To Wrap That Shit Up

...SNOT ROCKET! I'm not kidding, you guys. Where the hell is he? Sigh.

Anyway, tonight's crapped-out piece of automotive trash is a Buick Riviera, which becomes apparent when the thing comes roaring out of the post-SNOT ROCKET! blackness to zip off down some anonymous stretch of nighttime byway. Unusually enough, Darling Sammy's at the wheel, which probably isn't a good sign. Then again, nothing on this show's been a particularly good sign of anything as of late, so maybe we should just ignore the fact that Sam's driving. Meanwhile, over in the passenger seat, Dreary El Deano snorts himself awake and immediately pulls Dead Bobby's battered old flask out of his jacket pocket for a refreshing little pick-me-up swig of something soothing. Remarks are made regarding the supposed significance of Dead Bobby's flask, and then the two start sniping at each other over the particulars of their latest case. Long story short, Drunky El Deano petulantly insists that "four guys murdered in two weeks" -- "grown men thrown so hard, they went through walls" before having their "hands and feet cut off" -- is Not Their Sort Of Thing, but Drunky El Deano's an idiot, so let's skip the rest of this pointless bickering and jump straight on over to...

...This Week's Morgue, where Our Intrepid Heroes have arrived in their FBI drag to examine what remains of tonight's pre-credits victim. The cute, curly-haired coroner boy in charge flirts with Drunky El Deano over the FBI's superior benefits package for a bit before getting down to business: The never-named bit of Monster Chow was "thrown against a wall so hard, it buckled." Also, the crime scene's forensics confirmed that the gentleman's hands and feet were severed while he was still alive, "just like the others." "The killer wanted him to suffer," Coroner Boy emphasizes, before noting that the peculiar, wavy-armed stick figure was carved into all four victims' chests. Dapper Sam inquires as to the presence and quality of the DNA evidence, and Coroner Boy reveals that the careless killer dropped plenty of samples -- in fact, one especially bitey victim still had a chunk of his murderer's flesh in his teeth. "So, we have a match?" Dapper Sam prompts. "We do not!" Coroner Boy perks, crossing to poke at a few buttons on his computer keyboard. A red message reading "Sample Rejected No Known Genetic Markers" pops up on the monitor, and Coroner Boy explains, "They don't match anything human." Our Intrepid Heroes greet this bit of news with a round of thoughtful Hmmms, then retire to the...

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