After Sam and Dean indulge in a particularly depressing phone call precipitated by Lucifer's extremely seductive invasion of Darling Sammy's sleepytime at the end of the last episode, Zachariah drops by Dashing El Deano's rathole of a Kansas City motel room to propel Our Intrepid Hero five years into the future, where President Palin bombing Houston back into The Stone Age is the least of humanity's problems. Remember the Croatoan virus? The one that Azazel's so-called son unleashed upon River Grove, Oregon, killing almost every single person in the town? The one that "the Winchester boy" was "definitely immune" to, "as expected"? Lucifer's minions released it in major cities across the United States 2012, and by the time Dean wakes up in what's left of The Barbecue Capital Of The World, three-fourths of the world's population has been reduced to mindless 28 Days Later-style rage zombies.
Dean eventually escapes from Missouri, and -- after a quick side trip to the lush coastal rainforests of central South Dakota to collect several key clues from now-dead Bobby's Emporium -- he hauls himself over to the survivalist guerilla camp his future self has established somewhere remote. Wacky Double-Dean hijinks ensue, with Future Dean bonking Present Dean on the head a couple of times due to Present Dean's reckless insouciance and both Slutty Deans getting into trouble with the ladies and such, until Future Dean rallies the troops for a raid on Future Lucifer's stylish downtown Detroit digs. Unfortunately, the raid ends in nothing but horrible death for the all the troops involved, including Future Dean, who winds up with a snapped neck after Future Lucifer over-vigorously hugs him and pets him and names him George, for Future Lucifer is none other than...The Ginormotron Antichrist! In a white leisure suit with matching loafers, no less, and let me tell you: Future Lucifer's clothing was by far the most terrifying part of the episode.
Future Lucifer of course lectures Present Dean on a variety of topics, because everyone knows evil simply cannot shut the hell up, ever, and just when Present Dean is at his lowest in 2014, Zachariah pops in to zap Our Intrepid Hero back to 2009, where Dean promptly summons his errant brother to a summit next to that trestle bridge we've seen at least five times before on this show, and long story short, they're no longer broken up, because Dean's convinced himself that despite the risks involved, they're at their best when they're with each other. Or something like that.
In other news, My Sweet Baboo continues to be adorable in all his many guises, and Future Chuck suggests you start hoarding toilet tissue now.
Rattle Rattle THEN! A long time ago, Our Intrepid Heroes found themselves stuck in a tiny Oregon town whose residents had been afflicted with a sulphur-based "dee-monic virus" Darling Sammy and Dashing El Deano called "Croatoan," for lack of familiarity with scientific naming conventions. An even longer time ago, Samuel Colt made a fucking plot device that could kill anything, except when it usually couldn't. Far more recently, Dashing El Deano and Darling Sammy learned they were meant to be angel condoms for St. Michael and Lucifer, respectively, and -- much to the horror of many in the viewing audience -- broke up with each other in the middle of a ridiculously scenic highway rest stop. Though, you know, not because they're meant to be angel condoms. I'm pretty sure.
Slashy, Slashy NOW! Somewhere in America, a premillennialist fundie stands on a dark, rain-streaked sidewalk, pestering innocent passersby with the question, "Is your soul Rapture-ready?" Guess he didn't get the memo that The Tribulation officially started four episodes ago when The Ginormotron Antichrist unwittingly unleashed Lucifer from Hell, thereby invalidating one of his cult's central doctrines. Ooops. While all this is going on, Dean wheels the Impala over to the curb and disembarks to enter the cheap-looking hotel that stands at the premillennialist fundie's back, and though Our Intrepid Hero takes great pains to carefully sidestep the religious nutball on the sidewalk, the premillennialist fundie nevertheless accosts him with, "Excuse me, friend, but have you taken time out to think about God's plan for you?" Dean tosses the loopy pamphleteer a hairy side-eye before grumbling, "Too friggin' much, pal." Having thus devoted more time than is strictly necessary to the insane crazy person on the sidewalk, Dean wearily enters the hotel. Fundie Man waits until Dean's vanished, then darts his eyes back and forth in a manner most suspicious. "Evil!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, terribly agitated by this turn of events. "The exceptionally slender gentleman on the sidewalk is EVIL!" And Raoul, honey, the guy's a fundamentalist Christian shoving pamphlets into people's faces. Of course he's evil. "Eeep! I can't bear to look! Make that...that thing go away!" Um. He's already gone. "Really?!"