There Will Be Blood

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 7 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Drink Your Milkshake! They Drink It Up!

Vampire Monastery. The vampire underlings shove Our Idiot Morons into the lair's exquisitely-appointed dining room, where they find The Vampire King already waiting for them, and while Rick Worthy's mellifluous tones during the endless chatter that follows are indeed a joy to the ears, let's cut to the chase, here, okay? Excellent. So, long story short, Our Idiot Morons attempt to persuade The Vampire King to join them in killing The Leviathans until every last Leviathan lies dead, but The Vampire King reveals he's had a super-secret side deal with Richard Roman ever since the writers of this wretched show whipped said super-secret side deal out of their collective ass, and he instructs his vampire underlings to escort Our Idiot Morons to the lair's study, where they will remain while The Vampire King holds an audience with the just-announced Leviathan Edgar. "No!" Dimwit Sammy weakly protests. "No, wait!" "Word of advice, boys," The Vampire King smiles. "You do not live through centuries of fire and ice and continental divide by jumping to conclusions." No, I don't know what the hell that's supposed to mean, but good goddamn, it sure as hell sounded nice when he said it.

Vampire Study. The vampire underlings hurl Our Idiot Morons into the room -- which contains little more than a few dozen blood bags -- then lock the doors.

Vampire Dining Room. A vampire underling places a bottle of champagne in an overflowing ice bucket atop the table right in front of The Vampire King while other vampire underlings escort Leviathan Edgar in from the monastery's front hall. "I would have whipped you up a meal," The Vampire King smiles as he stands to greet his guest. "I'm dying to know why you're here," he adds, gesturing for Leviathan Edgar to sit. "I think you know," Leviathan Edgar cryptically replies. "And how is that?" The Vampire King inquires, rising to the bait. "I smell Sam and Dean Winchester," Leviathan Edgar lightly notes with just the tiniest hints of menace entering his tone. The Vampire King's smile tightens, and we enter this evening's next CHOMP!-less commercial break wondering if these two are gonna try talking each other to death as well, for Christ's sake.

Vampire Study. Our Idiot Morons flail about uselessly for a couple of minutes until Dumbass El Deano finds a stray needle still attached to one of the room's many, many blood bags. "You think you can pick a lock with this?" I'm pretty sure he asks of Dimwit Sammy. Dimwit Sammy's all, "Um, duuuuuh!" before whining, "But we gave up all our vamptonite!" "Did we?" Dumbass El Deano eyebrows, hiking up the leg of his jeans to pull a syringe full of tainted blood from his boot, and I suppose it makes sense that The Vampire King's underlings are as lazy and stupid as everybody else is this evening, right? RIGHT?

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