There Will Be Blood

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 7 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Drink Your Milkshake! They Drink It Up!

...The Hoople Gas 'N' Sip, where Our Idiot Morons busy themselves filling the tank of this week's crapped-out piece of automotive trash while various locals saunter out of the gas station's attached convenience store with their purchases clutched tightly to their chests. Dimwit Sammy motions for Dumbass El Deano to stow Dead Bobby's traveling flask away in the backseat, and then -- get this -- the two step all of five feet away from the car, where they proceed to indulge in an extremely loud conversation regarding Dead Bobby's current mental state. And as I just can't even start with that bit of rampant stupidity at the moment, I'll be skipping ahead to the bit where they...

...enter the convenience store proper to stock up on supplies, a task that's interrupted the moment they notice that all of their fellow patrons seem to be whacked out on copious amounts of diazepam. Our Idiot Morons bang their empty heads together for a few very long moments before eventually realizing that The Leviathans have already flooded the market with their poisonous high-fructose corn syrup. DUN! Dean promptly flips out over the fact that he'll have to forswear his usual diet of "road food" in favor of touchy-feely self-help yoga crap like bananas and bottled water for the duration, but before he gets a chance to work his stumpy little bow-legged self into a mad whirl of appropriately amusing fury regarding the issue, we find ourselves pimp-slapped straight into...

...that evening's stakeout of The Vampire King's lair, already in progress. God knows how long they've been sitting there in the dark in this week's crapped-out piece of automotive trash, but when the camera finally catches up with them, Dead Bobby volunteers to zap himself into the place to check everything out, despite Dimwit Sammy's attempts at protest. And soon enough, Dead Bobby returns with the following bit of news: "The place is clear, but there's something you're gonna want to see."

Cut to Our Intrepid Morons plus Dead Bobby tippy-toeing into the lair's tastefully-appointed dining room, where they find three dead vampires sprawled across the expansive table. Each of the dead vampires sports a ring of seared and blackened flesh around his or her mouth, but before we get a chance to figure out what's going on, Our Intrepid Morons plus Dead Bobby plus the crispy vampire corpses all disappear into this evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP!

Lair Of The Vampire King. Aftermath. Our Idiot Morons plus Dead Bobby puzzle over the possible cause of vampires' collective untimely demise for a bit until Eagle-Eyed Sammy notices something strange about the far dining room wall. The boys immediately start rummaging around for "a switch or a lever or something," because this season's all about the ridiculous concealed rooms all of a sudden, but Dead Bobby cuts through their impotent flailing to zap himself through the wall, whereupon he discovers a secret chamber decorated in varying shades of blush and bashful whose sole occupant is a dazed-looking young woman who appears to be in her early twenties.

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