There Will Be Blood

Episode Report Card
Demian: D | 7 USERS: A
The Hardy Boys Drink Your Milkshake! They Drink It Up!

Meanwhile, Dimwit Sammy rifles through the books lining the exterior wall's shelves until he stumbles across a fake tome entitled To Serve Man that conceals a little button, which he proceeds to push. The false wall swings open, and Our Idiot Morons are soon sitting down to chat with the dazed-looking young woman, whose name we will eventually learn is "Emma." Long story short, Emma was abducted from a playground by The Vampire King when she was all of eight years old, and she's been living in that secret chamber ever since. "I'm one of his special girls," she explains, noting that the lesser vampires' duty was to make sure she was ready for The Vampire King on those odd occasions when he chose to visit her from his real lair, which is somewhere else. Emma's a virgin, you see, and as "virgins are a delicacy," The Vampire King always has at least one of them nearby for snack time. After the boys vow to reunite Emma with her parents, they think to inquire as to the vampire corpses still littering the dining room table, and this is what Emma has to say about that: "A week ago, they came back from what they said was an easy hunt -- three humans just came, and didn't put up any fight -- but when they started on them, the vampires screamed in pain. The ones who ate died immediately." "And the ones who didn't?" Sam prompts. "There was only one," Emma replies, adding, "When he saw what happened, he moved to animals -- he's out hunting now." Our Idiot Morons bang their empty heads together -- again, some more -- and eventually suppose that SucroCorp's wicked high-fructose corn syrup has likely tainted the local population's blood to the point that it's now toxic to vampires, and is everybody still awake? Just checking, because JESUS CHRIST, THIS SHIT IS BORING.

And when all that's over with, Emma too-casually mentions the fact that, while she can't offer them a specific address for The Vampire King's real lair, there are certain things she remembers about the place "that maybe can help" in pinpointing its location. We then enter this evening's second and most oddly-placed commercial break most woefully CHOMP!-less, after which we...

...return to the same damn place we just left. God, I hate this show. In any event, Our Idiot Morons plus Dead Bobby plus The Vampire King's Child Bride have all long since departed, apparently, and the sole surviving vampire returns from his animal hunt to find Leviathan Edgar waiting for him instead. "Where's your boss?" Leviathan Edgar demands. "Go to hell," the sole surviving vampire sasses, so Leviathan Edgar latches onto the sole surviving vampire's arm, morphs into sole surviving vampire form, and reads the sole surviving vampire's transferred thoughts to learn that The Vampire King's squirreled himself away deep within in the wild and tangled depths of Missoula, Montana. With that, Leviathan Edgar rips the sole surviving vampire's head off -- off-camera of course, because God forbid we have any fun at all tonight, ever -- and we shoot ahead to...

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