We find Our Intrepid Heroes just chilling out, surfing the Internet for Japanicrap porn, when Sheriff Jody calls from the lush coastal rainforests of southeastern South Dakota with news that several residents of Canton, Ohio, have been found mummified as of late, and would the dear boys care to investigate? But of course, kind lady sheriff! And so, Sam and Dean hop into whatever trashed-out piece of junk they're driving this week to motor on over to Stark County, where they quickly discover the following: Strange clusters of mysterious mummifications have plagued Canton at various points in the city's history for at least the last ninety years, and an odd young man in a black fedora seems to have been present for all of them. Thanks to a bit of good old-fashioned detective work and a tremendous amount of luck, the boys learn that the odd young man went by the name of "Ethan Snyder" back in the day, and wouldn't you know it? The guy's still living in the same house he'd apparently been occupying since the turn of the last century.
Naturally, Our Intrepid Heroes track this Ethan person to the scene of his next kill, but just as Dean flies at the fiend with murder on his mind, a sudden whack of extremely bright demonic mojo sends both Dean and Ethan hurtling back to the Canton of 1944, because Ethan Snyder is really Chronos, The God Of Time. Ooops! Once in the past, Dean quickly finds himself arrested for whipping out his trusty pearl-handled automatic in the middle of a crowded sidewalk, and he ends up meeting Eliot Ness, who in this version of history is actually yet another hunter of supernatural beasties, which probably explains The Cleveland Torso Murders, which also probably would have been a far more entertaining bit of history to exploit for this evening's entertainment.
In any event, Dean and Ness join forces to rid the planet of Chronos once and for all while Sam and Sheriff Jody frantically search for a way to drag Dean back to the present. Fortunately, Sam stumbles across a spell that compels Chronos to appear before whomever recites it and, after a bit of mischievous time trickery ripped straight from this particular Dennis Quaid masterpiece, Sam and the sheriff manage to suck both Dean and The God Of Time back into 2012, whereupon Our Intrepid Heroes proceed to dispatch Chronos with a pointy stick. However, right before he dies, The God Of Time rather ominously promises Sam and Dean that their future will be "covered in thick black ooze," but when you think about it, hasn't this show been coated with a slick layer of bitterly black demonic goo ever since it premiered in 2005? Shut up, Jason Dohring.
Rattle, Rattle WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE THEN!, and aside from the three seconds it takes to remind us all of Sheriff Jody's existence, the contents of this evening's THEN! have absolutely nothing to do with tonight's episode, so we'll be skipping ahead to the...
...Rattle, Rattle STILL NOT GIVING A SHIT NOW! Thunder rumbles ominously overhead as the camera fades up to peer from across the street at a dimly-lit gentleman ambling down a stretch of rain-dampened nighttime sidewalk. And as the gentleman, who's sporting a concealing calf-length black overcoat beneath an oddly anachronistic wide-brimmed black fedora, turns down an alleyway, the shot cuts to focus in on Dashing El Deano, who'd been suspiciously eyeing the gentleman's progress from the driver's seat of whatever crapped-out piece of trash he's been tooling around in this week. "All right," Dean mutters, cocking his trusty pearl-handled automatic. "Let's do this." "W-w-wait!" Darling Sammy splutters from the darkened depths of his side of the car before quite reasonably wondering, "What's the plan, exactly?" "Don't die," Dean grunts, and with that, Our Intrepid Heroes hop out of their crapped-out junker to skitter off after that mysterious man in black.
"He's heading downtown," Dean realizes as the boys gaze after the mysterious gentleman's rapidly diminishing form from an appropriately prudent distance, and because nothing bad ever happens to these two dimwits when they split up, ever, Dean decides to send Sam scurrying off down the street proper while he himself trails the mysterious gentleman through the alleyways of this as-yet-unnamed city all by his lonesome, the idea of course being that they'll end up attacking the mysterious gentleman from two sides. This should end well for everyone involved.
One quick time-lapsing cross-fade later, and we find ourselves staring at a row of exceptionally photogenic green plastic trash cans now lining a dark and forbidding alleyway. A dark and forbidding dead-end alleyway which, you know, means that Our Intrepid Heroes won't be able to attack the mysterious gentleman from two sides after all because there's only one entrance, so Dashing El Deano's cunning plan is already falling to ruin, and eventually, the moron in question rounds the far corner to find...the mysterious gentleman sucking the glowy red life-force from some anonymous bum! Dun-dun-DUN! "Son of a bitch!" Dean growls, and barely has the mysterious gentleman allowed the anonymous bum's now-desiccated corpse to drop down to the slick alleyway asphalt when Our Intrepid Idiot comes barreling at him to unleash a full-body tackle. Fortuitously enough, Darling Sammy wanders onto the scene from points elsewhere just in time to witness what follows, and what follows is this: As Dean wraps his fingers around the mysterious gentleman's throat, that glowy red life force said gentleman siphoned from the anonymous bum goes nuclear, and both Dean and the mysterious gentleman vanish in a screen-whitening burst of demonic mojo. D'OH! A small shockwave expands from the center of the explosion to whip through the alleyway, ruffling Darling Sammy's deeply perturbed sideburns as it goes, and once it's passed, Our Remaining Intrepid Idiot manages to bellow, "DEAN?!" right before his pretty, pretty face gets obliterated by tonight's...