Bobby peeks through the peephole in his front door to find the carefully put-together M. WARD cooling her heels on his porch with a covered dish in her hands. He cups a palm to test his breath. Heh. Then he checks his zipper. Hee! Having thus reassured himself with regards to his personal hygiene and appearance, Bobby opens the door to greet "Marcy" with more than a hint of surprise in his voice. Marcy replies with a question: "How long have we been neighbors?" Not realizing that question is rhetorical, Bobby guesses, "Six months?" Marcy smiles at that and flirts, "Well, don't you think it's time you welcomed me to the neighborhood?" She passes him the covered dish, which actually contains her "famous ginger peach cobbler," which I did not know is an actual thing until this very evening, and which Bobby blushingly accepts like he's a sheepish schoolboy. Unfortunately for the nascent romance now budding before our very eyes, Miss Sassy chooses this moment to call out, "Help me! Somebody help me!" from the basement, so Bobby's forced to LIE, "It's, um, stupid horror flicks. Guilty pleasure." And wouldn't you know it? Marcy just loves scary movies. "What are the odds?!" shrieks Raoul. What are the odds, indeed. In any event, Marcy invites Bobby over to her place that Saturday evening for dinner and Drag Me To Hell, but Bobby plays hard to get, so Marcy herself LIES that her woodchipper's on the fritz, and would Bobby be a dear and take a look at it?
Wait a minute.
Yeah, I just got that joke. "What joke?!" The "woodchipper" in that sentence is her vagina, Raoul. "...!" Well? "...!" Have you no reaction at all? "FILTHY!" As I anticipated. Anywho, Bobby beams that he'll see what he can do, and Marcy starts back home, tossing a couple of minx-like glimpses over her shoulder. I'd say Marcy's about to get her some hairball, but I know this show better than that. "POSITIVELY OBSCENE!"
And after he's stowed the ginger peach cobbler in his fridge, Bobby returns to the cellar, where Miss Sassy taunts at him some more, so Bobby torches the washtub. "FIRE! FIRE! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "Crowley's name!" Bobby roars repeatedly above Miss Sassy's howls of anguish until the demonette screams, "MacLeod! Fergus MacLeod!" And if you think Crowley's real surname is leading up to some sort of tawdry Highlander reference, you couldn't possibly be more wrong, because this episode is far more awesome than that. Miss Sassy also reveals that Hell's minions refer to Crowley as "Lucky The Leprechaun" behind his back, so Bobby has little choice but to torch the washtub again, because "MacLeod" is Scottish. "KILL HER! KILL HER WHO WOULD SO FOOLISHLY SCRAMBLE THE NOBLE CELTS!" Really, Raoul? "THEY ARE A PROUD AND AN ANCIENT RACE!" Okay! Okay. Anyway, having thus spilled her guts, Miss Sassy calls on Bobby to keep up his end of their deal. Bobby shrugs, parrots Crowley's earlier line about "best efforts," and torches the washtub until Miss Sassy's offscreen screams trail away into the METAL TEETH CHOMP!
MONTAGE! This one's shorter than the earlier one, and revolves around Bobby's impressive phone bank. As he tries and fails to research the noble and ancient MacLeods of Scotland, various of his lines chirp and ring and bleat with calls from hunters both savvy and stupid, along with more than a few from actual officers of the law checking on those hunters' counterfeit IDs. The best is when he snarls into one line, "Of course she's one of ours, and if she says she's gotta dig that grave up, you better damn well let her!" And just when he finally gets a moment's peace, some dunderhead starts pounding at his front door. It's Rufus, and he's in a frenzy, and he immediately yammers, "Oh, good, you're home -- listen, you gotta help me bury a body!" Beleaguered Bobby's eyeroll is audible, but the next thing we know, the two are stalking through the wrecks out back in The Emporium's junkyard, and long story short, Rufus has a dead Asian lady in the back of his pickup. "That's tacky!" I have no idea where you're going with that one, lizard, so I'll simply agree with you and move on. "Okay!"
Naturally, the corpse is not actually a dead Asian lady at all, but a rather a dead Asian Okami, which Rufus bagged up in Billings, Montana, despite the fact that no reference indicates these creatures ever travel beyond their homeland of Japan. Rufus'd bury the thing himself, of course, but the law's on his tail, and he had nowhere else to go, so Bobby revs up the backhoe, and in no time at all, Bobby and Rufus are raking gravel to camouflage the monster's fresh grave. And as they rake, they chat about Bobby's Crowley quest, with Rufus wondering where Bobby intends to begin his search. "Scotland," is Bobby's entirely predictable answer, though not for the most obvious reason. "Crowley let slip that he likes Creag," Bobby confides, but before he gets a chance to explain what Creag is, Rufus goes all boozehound savant on his hirsute derriere with the following: "It's Scotch, only made and sold in a tiny area on the north tip of Caithness County. It's peaty and sharp, with a long finish of citrus and tobacco notes." Bobby gapes. "Hey, what am I," Rufus shrugs by way of response, "a heathen? I know what Creag is." Heh. Naturally enough, Rufus has contacts in that tiny area on the north tip of Caithness County, and he proposes he make a few calls. "I ain't askin' for no help!" Bobby cranks. "I'm not asking for your permission," Rufus lightly replies, and after a beat wherein they somehow manage to stare each other down without bursting into laughter, Rufus and Bobby return to their raking. Fun scene.
A little while later, it's Cobbler Interruptus for Beleaguered Bobby when Ill-Bred El Deano has the gall to call and blurt, "What's another way to kill a Lamia?" What follows is a very funny and very fast fifty-second bout of monster-killing slapstick that I'll never be able to do justice to in a recap, so do yourself a favor, acquire a copy of this episode, and watch it yourself. Do know, however, that by the end of it, Dean's managed to season and toast the never-seen Lamia in a now-ruined church rectory while Bobby entertains a couple of unexpected and unwelcome guests. Well, both of the guests are unexpected, but only one is unwelcome, because the first is Sioux City Sheriff Jody Mills, and the other is one of the actual, honest-to-God FBI agents who'd been chasing down Rufus.
Special Agent Adams asks if Bobby's seen "Rufus Turner, a.k.a. Luther Vandross, a.k.a. Ruben Studdard." HA! Bobby LIES that he hasn't, which Special Agent Adams knows is bullshit, because Special Agent Adams's colleagues saw Rufus pull into The Emporium with a dead Asian lady in the back of his pickup, and would Bobby mind terribly if Special Agent Adams took a look around the place? "You got a warrant, sonny?" Bobby pointedly challenges. "Do I need one, sir?" Special Agent Adams retorts, getting all up in Bobby's grille, and just when I fear fisticuffs are imminent, Sheriff Jody breaks the two apart, all, "Okay, fellas, put the rulers away and zip up." Nice one. Sheriff Jody assures Special Agent Adams that she has a long history with Bobby, and if he'd be so kind as to step outside for a moment, she herself will scope his place out and report on her findings, should there be any. Special Agent Adams gets this wholly inappropriate mischievous grin on his face and agrees, exiting through the front door. The instant he's gone, Bobby pisses, "Why'd you send him outside?" "'Cause I didn't think you'd want him in here!" Sheriff Jody shoots back. "I don't -- I've got a body in the basement!" "My point!" "Yeah, but I've got another body buried in the yard!" "Dammit!" Sheriff Jody peeks through the peephole, and Special Agent Adams is, of course, nowhere to be found. Bobby: "Balls!"
One quick c