Episode Report Card
Demian: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
The Hardy Boys Aren't in This Episode At All
ross-fade later, Bobby and Sheriff Jody emerge into the junkyard to find Special Agent Adams standing astride the Okami's now-empty grave. "You mind explaining this?" Special Agent Adams testily inquires. "You never had a septic tank explode on you?" the quick-thinking Bobby LIES. Deeply disturbed by the implications of Bobby's reply, Special Agent Adams checks the soles of his wingtips for errant fecal matter, and the next thing we know...

...Bobby's yelling at Rufus via his cell, ordering Rufus back to The Emporium, pronto, as "the Okami ain't dead." Unfortunately, Rufus is already "two states over," so Bobby's got to handle this one alone, and while one would think that would certainly merit yet another explosive utterance of Bobby's new favorite catchphrase, he dispenses with the mild expletives in favor of asking, "What was it feeding on when you found it?" "Single white females while they slept," Rufus responds. Bobby and the camera realize where all this is headed at pretty much the same time, and we leap over to...

...Marcy Manor, where the suddenly imperiled lady of the house obliviously putters about in her nightie, shutting various windows before retiring for the evening until...Bobby bursts through a locked door! "VIOLENCE!" Oh, come on -- he just kicked in a door, for Christ's sake. "VIOLENCE!" Okay, fine, but you'd best save that voice of yours for what's coming up. "Oooh! Is it especially gruesome?!" It is. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" God! Wait for it! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Oy.

"Where's your bedroom?" Bobby yells. Marcy -- shocked and appalled by Bobby's intrusion, yet strangely excited at the same time -- points thataway, so Bobby tears off down the hallway with a sawed-off shotgun in his hands, and is soon ransacking Marcy's boudoir. Marcy totters in after him and would launch herself into a tirade regarding his beastly manners, I'm sure, were it not for that Okami thing now affixed to her ceiling. DUN! As Marcy screams, the Okami hurls itself onto Bobby's back and tosses him through the window. "VIOLENCE!" Marcy squeals her way back into the hall, slamming the door behind her to flee onto the front lawn for whatever dimwitted reason, so the Okami leaps through the shattered glass to smack Bobby up on the grass. "WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT HAIRBALL-BELABORING VIOLENCE!" And here's where it really gets good. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" The Okami, snapping and snarling at Bobby's throat whenever it's not kicking his elderly ass, eventually flings Bobby against Marcy's industrial-sized woodchipper, and much to his surprise, when he inadvertently slams against the On button, the thing coughs and chugs and roars to life. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Raoul's vibrating again. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And for good reason, because there is now no way this fight ends without some seriously mutilated body parts. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And while the Okami holds the upper hand through most of this decidedly one-sided battle, we all know that Bobby's not going to be the one diving into that woodchipper, and wouldn't you know it? The Okami makes one tiny tactical error late in the game, and Bobby's soon feeding that hungry hopper a heaping helping of head. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" And torso. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" And legs. "GLALALAAAAAAAAAAAAAHL!" Aw. Raoul's choking on his tongue again.

And when the monster has been well and truly mutilated, and when Marcy's yowls of horror have finally abated, a mildly blood-streaked Bobby shuts off the woodchipper, turns to the still-offscreen Marcy, and wonders, "I thought you said it was broken?" The camera reverses, and Marcy is soaked from head to foot with blood and monster guts, because she made the incredibly unfortunate decision to stand directly beneath the woodchipper's chute. "GOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" That, indeed, my scaly friend, but also: HA! Marcy, quite humorously benumbed by recent events, slurs, "I jussedah t'getcha t'come over heerrrr." Hee. Bobby too casually supposes he might still drop by for dinner some other night, but Marcy, even in her current state of discombobulation, knows that is never, ever going to happen, so Beleaguered Bobby sad-sacks something about the story of his life before wryly grinning himself into this evening's next commercial break. Wah. Wah. Waaaaah!

Emporium, the following morning. "You're still alive?" Rufus jokes via his cell. "Don't act so surprised," Bobby grumbles by way of response. The shot cuts over to Rufus's current location, which is a diner-slash-gas station somewhere remote, just so you know. "How 'bout Godzilla?" he asks. "Put 'er down," Bobby laconically replies. "So, you just happened to have a bamboo dagger blessed by a Shinto priest laying around?" Rufus scoffs. "Woodchipper," Bobby retorts. Rufus takes a moment to visualize, then admits, "That pretty much trumps everything." Does it ever. Bobby smiles slightly to himself, and Rufus apologizes for screwing everything up so badly, but he does have some good news to pass along by way of making amends: His Caithness contacts managed to dig up some pretty choice intel on "Fergus Roderick MacLeod." Crowley's human self was born in Canisbay -- get it? -- in 1661, and what's more, he had a son who emigrated to the United States to work as a ship's captain. The son's name? Gavin. Gavin MacLeod. I told you that wasn't a Highlander reference. "Anne Baxter?! Halston!? Bob Mackie?! Elke Sommer!? Gloria Vanderbilt?! MORGAN BRITTANY!!? Why do you not have that episode on tape, you wretched little man?!" I did, fool, paired with the "Follies" episode, until you broke it trying to watch "I'm The Greatest Star" ninety-seven times in a goddamned row. "Oh! I do apologize, I'm sure!" Yeah, whatever. "No, I do! Most sincerely!" May I continue? "Please!" Good.

So, Gavin MacLeod enjoyed a rather successful shipping career until his last vessel wrecked off the coast of Puerto Vallarta after his coked-up cruise director finally lost it and went berserker on everybody's ass. Gavin MacLeod's mangled remains were never recovered, but "a couple of Cousteau wannabes" located the wreck and dredged up Gavin MacLeod's signet ring, which is now on exhibit at The Maritime Museum in Andover. Bobby decides he must have that ring immediately, and even goes so far as to choke down his considerable pride to ask for Rufus's assistance in obtaining it. Rufus is way ahead of Bobby on that one, however, and is already on his way to Massachusetts, though he does have one question: Does Bobby intend to attempt some sort of hostage exchange? Because with the ring, he can ensnare the spirit of Crowley's son, right? But does he really think Crowley will swap Bobby's soul for Gavin's? "Mebbe." Well, that's cryptic.

Cobbler Interruptus! Again! Bobby's about to slice himself off a piece of that tasty dessert when his private cordless rings, and it's Dreary El Deano, calling to discuss the possibility that Sam Might Possibly Have Come Back Wrong For The Seventh Or Eighth Time Since This Godforsaken Show Began, but fortunately for the continued sanity of Bobby and, oh, everybody in the goddamned audience, Rufus bleeps in on Call Waiting, so Bobby has absolutely no choice but to switch over. Hooray! Unfortunately, Rufus has some good news, and Rufus has some bad news. The good news is, he managed to snag Gavin MacLeod's signet ring. The bad news is, he has half the Massachusetts State Police chasing after him at the moment. And if that's not a shout-out to Steven Williams's performance in The Blues Brothers, I don't know what the hell is. "Don't swallow the ring!" Bobby immediately warns, so Rufus swallows the ring. And chases it with a swig from his Big Gulp. Hee!

And as everything audibly goes to hell on Rufus's end of the line, Bobby heaves a tremendously weary sigh, stee

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