Supernatural

Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 2 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Crying Won't Help The Hardy Boys

Orchestral Flourish BLOOD-RED THEN! As you'll recall from, oh, every single episode that's aired this season, Lilith's been trying to break sixty-six seals to free Lucifer from Hell, thereby bringing about The Apocalypse, which incidentally is a word I keep mistyping for some mysterious reason, so I'll be very, very happy when I never have cause to type it again. Meanwhile, back in Season One, the ghost of Burnt Mary materialized in Our Intrepid Heroes' childhood home to rescue their tantalizing derrieres from The Garbage Disposal Demon, and right before she allowed her eternal soul to be immolated by whomever, she whispered, "I'm sorry!" at Deluxe Action Sammy With Super-Special Glow-In-The-Dark Snap-On Hair, likely because -- as we learned much, much later in the series -- she got this whole apocalyptic ball rolling way back on May 2, 1973, when she brokered the family's first deal with The Ceiling Demon in exchange for Sucky John's life. And we all know how well that turned out for everyone involved. Yeesh. In any event, we're also reminded of the fact that Wee Sam never wanted to be a freak right before My Sweet Baboo warns Dashing El Deano just how much of a freak his gigantic younger brother has become, and after a brief montage of Crazy Sammy's season-long corpse-sucking ways -- including a glimpse of everyone's favorite loveable, furry old Prophet Of The Lord, just so we don't forget about him before the finale -- we at long last arrive at last week's closing image, with Dean and Bobby imprisoning Crazy Sammy in The Super-Awesome Panic Room Of Super Awesomeness to detox from all of the demonically enhanced blood he's been sucking out of Princess Embolism's corpse arm, and I do hope you followed all of that, because now's the time when you must shut the hell up for the...

...Slashy, Slashy NOW! The camera pulls down from the slowly spinning exhaust fan atop The Super-Awesome Panic Room Of Super Awesomeness before cutting to a grubby-looking Crazy Sammy, who glances up at the few stray beams of sunlight filtering through the fan's devil's trap until Dean's hand unlatches and opens the peep-hole in the door. "Let me out!" Crazy Sammy immediately demands, adding, "This is not funny!" "Damn straight," Dean replies, and was that a slur, missy? "I think it was!" shrieks Raoul The Big Gay Supernatural Dragon, trying to be helpful, and you know I appreciate the effort, my scaly friend, but I was kidding with that. "Oh, I am ashamed!" Raoul shrieks again, blushing furiously and thoroughly embarrassed by his all-too-hasty jump to conclusions, and I wouldn't worry about it, Raoul. "Really?!" Yes. In fact, you should probably just ease yourself back on your overstuffed armchair and settle yourself in for a very lengthy wait for the good stuff this evening, because if I'm remembering the episode correctly, the first two-thirds are awfully chatty. "Poop!" Raoul pouts, for he'd had more than enough of the chatty last week. "I did indeed!" he shrieks agreeably. "Perhaps a flagon or two is in order!?" Knock yourself out, kiddo. "Wheeeee!"

So, while Raoul toddles off to whip himself up a few flagons' worth of the healing booze, where the hell was I, again? Oh, yes: This boring scene, in which Crazy Sammy -- oh-so-subtly lit in shades of Hellish red, thanks to the exit light above his head -- and Depressing El Deano -- oh-so-subtly lit in shades of Heavenly white thanks to the fluorescent above his own -- snipe at each other through the peep-hole bars. Yawn. Long story short, Sam's outraged that Dean's "actually trying to twist this into some kind of ridiculous drug intervention" (and try recapping it, SAM), which leads Dean to reply, utterly without sense, "If it smells like a duck!" and Dean, honey, if you're wandering around sniffing at the waterfowl, you've got way deeper issues than your brother, here, but that's not important right now. What is important, apparently, is that Crazy Sammy's "not drinking the demon blood for kicks." "I'm getting strong enough to kill Lilith!" he argues. Crazily, of course. Dean, ever the witty one, quickly counters that Crazy Sammy is, in fact, "weak," "desperate," and "pathetic," and this is going nowhere fast, so would you excessively attractive young gentlemen get to the point, already? They ignore my reasonable request, likely because there's no point to be had in this scene, but after Dean congratulates Crazy Sammy on the latter's having earned himself "a bench-warmer's seat to The Apocalypse," he does do me the favor of shutting the peep-hole and trudging wearily up the stairs into this evening's first METAL TEETH CHOMP!, so that's something, right? Right? Oh, never mind.

Flutter, Flutter RAAAWWWR! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" shrieks Raoul, as is his wont, only this time around, he nearly upsets his little drinks cart, what with all the excitement. "ACK!" That's rather an ungainly noise, coming from you. "Oh, I do apologize, I'm sure!" Raoul replies, once he's stabilized the flagons. "But all of that delightful fluttering caught me entirely off guard!" You're going to miss it next season, aren't you? "I do believe I shall!" Even if Kripke replaces it with your exploding-corpse idea? "Well!" Raoul begins, wasting not an instant to change his opinion regarding the matter. "Were that the case, I'm sure I'd find some way to adjust!" I'm sure you would, friend of friends. I'm sure you would. "Hee! [Slurp!]"

So, where were we? Oh, yeah: Back to The Super-Boring Panic Room Of Super Boringness for Boring Sammy's boring detox, already in progress. How do we know it's already in progress, I hear you ask? "[Slurp!] I didn't ask you anything! [Slurp!]" Knock it off, Raoul. "Tee!" ANY-way, we know the detox is already in progress because Crazy Sammy's suddenly gone all oddly-angled and blurry while he massages his throbbingly sweaty temples and such, and on top of all of those clich├ęs, he leaps to his agitated feet to pace the tiny confines of his cell for a very lengthy period of time until he finally gives in to the urge and just flings himself at the barred iron door to scratch and claw at the hinges. Is this episode over yet? "It is not!" Crap. Well, then, after Boring Sammy absolutely ruins his perfectly good manicure on the carefully salted iron and such, he finally gives up and turns to exhale, and that would typically be a very bad thing, indeed, for his breath streams visibly from his pretty, pretty mouth, which under normal circumstances would indicate the presence of something most foul down there in The Super-Boring Panic Room, but because this is a boring detox episode, it simply indicates Boring Sammy's finally gone around the bend and straight into his first hallucination of the evening. Even worse? That first hallucination takes the form of Uncle Arthur, so you'll forgive me if I keep this segment brief. "I will not!" shrieks Raoul, and watch it, you dizzy lizard. "Well, I am sorry, I'm sure, but does not the subsequent scene involve positively delightful amounts of GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!?" It does not. "Really?!" Nope, even though Hallucinatory Uncle Arthur immediately straps Boring Sammy

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