Episode Report Card
Demian: C | 1 USERS: B+
Crying Won't Help The Hardy Boys

Over in The Honeymoon Suite From Hell, Princess Embolism and her psychotic slampiece lounge around upon the bed, engaging in a little post-suckage pillow talk, and the upshot of it all is this: Lilith's down to the final two or three seals while the angels are off "screwing the pooch, wherever they are," and things are looking very dire, indeed, but Princess Embolism does have some good news amongst all the bad. "Seal Sixty-Six," she reveals, "can't be broken by just any demon -- apparently, only Lucifer's First can do it." Psychotic Sammy's all, "Explain, please," so Princess Embolism launches herself into this neverending story she first heard at "Demon Sunday School" regarding Lucifer and God and humans and blah, until she finally gets to the goddamned point: Lilith's the very first demonized human being, ever, so only she can break the final seal. Psychotic Sammy, because he's so smart, quickly determines that should he stop Lilith, he'll stop The Apocalypse, and wonders if Princess Embolism knows where she is. Princess Embolism does not, but she has managed to "close in on a member of Lilith's entourage," specifically Lilith's personal dietician. "Really?" Psychotic Sammy squints. "What does she eat?"

Why, the same thing as Tyra, Speidi, Gokey, and [insert the name of your favored celebutard suspect here], of course! Babies! "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!" Don't get yourself too excited, Raoul, for there will be no actual baby-eating on-screen this evening. "Drat!" Nope, instead we're treated to a very amusing but entirely disposable scene between two neonatal nurses gossiping about how one of their colleagues "down in St. Paul" suddenly and mysteriously absconded with two of her charges -- the latter of whom were never found, of course -- until they arrive at the nursery window, where the blonde one gazes fondly down upon the dozen fresh infants currently occupying the room's bassinets to coo, "Look at every little finger on them!" "I know," the brunette agrees with a broad smile on her face. "They're just delicious!" "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" And while Raoul practically piddles himself with glee despite my earlier admonition, the brunette's eyes flip themselves beetle black with such force that they end up somersaulting directly into the next METAL TEETH CHOMP! "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Jesus. If you get like that at the mere suggestion of the thing, I can't imagine how you'd react if they actually showed Lilith chowi..."EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Ugh. "Hee! [Slurp!]"

Back from the break, Psychotic Sammy's just finishing up getting dressed after a refreshing and much-needed shower. Incidentally, his normally unruly coif's been thoroughly tamed and slicked down upon his oversized head, so we know he's completely and irredeemably evil at this point. Just FYI. In any event, there's some babbling between The Ginormotron Antichrist and Princess Embolism, but none of it's important, except for the part where Psychotic Sammy's supposed to ambush Lilith's demonic dietician, or whatever, and are we done here? "We are!" Excellent. Next!

Down at Bobby's Emporium, the sir himself's on the phone with Dashing El Deano, confirming that a late-model gas-guzzling abortion bearing asinine hubcaps was "found in a ditch outside Elk River" where it belongs, so poor, weary Dean once more has miles to go before he sleeps. Or something like that. Anyway, Bobby also made a few pertinent phone calls, and passes along news that the nearby town of Cold Spring has been "lighting up with demon signs," so I guess The Apocalypse starts in Minnesota, and I smell a brand-new tourism slogan! "What a charming idea!" Raoul agrees. "Oh, and best of all?!" Do tell. "'The Apocalypse Starts Here!' fits perfectly onto license plates!" We have to make this happen. "Indeed! [Slurp!]" Unfortunately, our excellent plan will have to wait, because I have six minutes of show time left, and where the hell was I?

Oh, yes: The Ginormotron Antichrist slinks from his Cold Spring Honeymoon Suite From Hell, completely oblivious to the fact that his stumpy little bow-legged brother lurks in the hallway's shadows. D'OH! Once Psychotic Sammy's disappeared into the elevator, Dashing El Deano surreptitiously sidles into Sam's room to...pounce upon Princess Embolism with The Knife That Can Kill Anything Except When It Usually Can't! DUN! Of course, Dean misses, because if he hadn't, there'd be no plot for the remaining five minutes of the episode, and after Dean tussles with Princess Embolism for a lengthy period of time, Psychotic Sammy quite conveniently leaps back into the room to tussle with Dean for a lengthy period of time, and once The Ginormotron Antichrist finally flips The Stumpy Little Bow-Legged Lamb Of God across the room, we settle into the chatty portion of this dreadfully boring scene, which involves Dimwitted El Deano specifically ignoring Bobby's earlier excellent advice to be nice to his insane crazy person of a little brother, so it ends as well as one would expect. And by that I mean that Dingbat El Deano belittles and insults Psychotic Sammy for approximately sixteen thousand hours before finally closing with, "You're a monster!" while unleashing A Single Manly Tear from his luxuriously lashed left doe eye, so Psychotic Sammy has little choice but to punch that motherfucking tear right off Dean's smug little pouty-lipped face! "VIOLENCE! WANTON ACTS OF UNREPENTANT INTERNECINE VIOLENCE AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" I do believe you're getting a little ahead of yourself, friend of friends -- there's nary a drop of gore to be had on Dean's smug little pouty-lipped face. "Rats!" Yet. "Hooray!" Yep, while Dean rises from the floor remarkably unscathed, he promises us much more violence that's certain to leave both of these idiots bloody and bruised when he pulls himself up to his full height (heh) and slams his fist into the METAL TEETH CHOMP! "Oh, that poor dear!" Raoul shrieks, a concerned paw clutching at his nonexistent pearls, and I'm not quite sure I'm following you. "Well, honestly! What did the charming METAL TEETH CHOMP! ever do to him?!" A-ha. No idea, my scaly friend. None.

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