A Closer Look (a.k.a. All-Star Redux)

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Everything Old Is New Again

Previously on And You Thought They Were Obnoxious The First Time: Fighting. No fire. Fire. Crying. Shark bites. Falling in the water. Tonight, a cavalcade of material that wasn't important enough for you to see it the first time, as well as a fascinating treasure trove of stuff that you've already seen, some of which aired as recently as a week ago. Try to contain your enthusiasm.

Credits. You know, it occurs to me that we aren't even rid of half of these people yet. I seriously don't think I'm going to make it.

But we must forge on, in the great tradition of clip-show viewers, trying as hard we can to ignore the fact that we are now watching for the second time something about which we felt vaguely dirty and by which we were intensely bored when it was on the first time. I, for one, intend to get through it the old-fashioned way -- with tequila. At any rate, do you remember how all the boats came, bringing all the old contestants? Remember how there was the suggestion of military involvement, perhaps in the form of commandos ready to swipe in at a moment's notice to arrest the ruthless spoiler-hunters hiding in the trees? Remember how much better-looking Boston Rob was before he grew all that ridiculous facial hair and went from being merely greasy to actually acting greasy? There were three tribes, and very limited supplies -- at first. The water had brain parasites in it, and without fire, you couldn't get rid of them by boiling it. Starting a fire without supplies turned out to be exceedingly difficult, and rather an extended metaphor for the efforts of most of these individuals to extend their fame as former reality-show contestants into some area or other besides "former reality-show contestant." Hatch believed he could start the fire "without even blinkin'," which was only one element of the transformation of Hatch from Vaguely Amusing Con Artist to Intensely Irritating And Sort Of Creepy Clown.

Rudy and Rupert created an Self-Described Honorable Men's Alliance and agreed to stick together forever, while Boston Rob and Amber were busy "making a connection." She understandably wasn't sure whether to take him seriously, but he insisted he was serious. And her flowered bikini was completely serious. B-Rob and Big Tom also created an alliance, and B-Rob led Big Tom to believe that Amber was an after-the-fact pickup just taken to shore things up. Big Tom interviews that, obviously, he doesn't exactly trust B-Rob, which means little other than that Big Tom did not literally fall off a turnip truck. B-Rob interviews that he thinks Big Tom sees their alliance as primary, while to him, it's secondary to the one he has with "Amb-ah." For one thing, Big Tom isn't any good at cuddling, and when he says, "You're so warm," you can't understand him anyway.

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