Survivor
Survivor

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D | 1093 USERS: C+
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Of course, Probst has nothing to say to Mike or Julie, so he explains the challenge. It's shuffleboard. Each contestant has to slide his puck past a few "obstacles" and get it in the end zone. The first two contestants to get all three of their pucks in the end will stay in the game. The loser will leave. These challenges are getting worse and worse. It's like the editors want us to fall asleep. Or maybe they've given up hope on getting young people to watch and are just playing to a very elderly demographic who really like Rob. Anyway, Matt goes first and fails to score. Mike is second, and gets his puck in the end zone no problem. Julie slides her puck right into one of the obstacles and fails to score. They go again, and Matt again doesn't score, much to his delight, while Mike and Julie both get their pucks in the end zone. "Matt, you gotta get on the board!" Probst begs. "I'm working on it," Matt shrugs. Did Probst not hear the part where Matt clearly hates being here and wants to lose more than anything?

But then Jesus decides that his cruel joke on Matt must continue and Matt scores his first point. Andrea smiles at Matt, who shakes his head at her and looks about as angry as we've ever seen him. Mike and Julie fail to score, and Matt's fourth attempt nets him a second point. Mike and Julie miss again. On Matt's fifth attempt, he gets his third and final point as Jesus cackles and high-fives Saint Peter. Mike comes up just millimeters short of securing his victory, but Julie ends up getting a second puck in the end zone that knocks her first one out, keeping her with just one point. Mike gets his third puck in and wins. Julie isn't very upset, though, as she hugs Matt saying, "it was meant to be!"

Probst calls the three over and talks to Matt again, even though Julie is one who is leaving. He asks if Matt is getting frustrated with his God, and Matt says of course he isn't, and that apparently his God has plans for him still. Probst realizes that this game lasts 39 days and Jesus fasted for 40, like, way to make that connection weeks after the starving and stupid contestants did, Probst. Anyway, Probst remembers that Julie exists and asks her why she came on this show. Julie says she "didn't come out here to make friends," which is what everyone says except Matt, but because -- and here she actually stops smiling -- her house is in foreclosure and she needed the prize money for herself and her daughters. So suck on that, Matt and Mike. Look who you eliminated! Julie says that she didn't win the million dollars, but she's okay with that because this has changed her life and she wants to go to church now. How the hell are Matt and his ordeal inspiration to go to church? If anything, this makes me never, ever, ever want to go to church because Jesus is being so super mean to Matt. He'll probably foreclose on Julie's house like six times just for shits and giggles, if the way he's treated Matt is anything to go by. She should stay away from church. Probst tells Julie to leave and become the second member of the jury, and everyone (except Phillip) applauds her exit. Matt and Mike return to Redemption Island, and Andrea interviews that she hopes Matt comes back to the game so she can have a chance to explain herself to him, although she doubts he'd trust her again. Julie doesn't get any kind of exit interview or last words segment except for what she said to Probst, which really sucks. They could have at least used it as time filler. They need plenty of that.

Survivor

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