A Mystery Package

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D | Grade It Now!
Signed, Sealed, Delivered

The contestants take their seats in the Arena audience. Phillip is, indeed, wearing his shorts. Matt, Mike, and Julie walk in, and Phillip makes sure to show them off to her. She just smiles, as she's probably happy that he found his shorts. I think he expected her to be really pissed off, but his effort to anger Julie was frutile. Probst talks to Matt, saying he was in the regular game for just seven days and has been on Redemption Island for 21. He asks how Matt's doing with that. Matt claims he feels "overwhelming peace" about it and he feels like he has honored his God enough now that it'll be okay if he loses today. How convenient that when Matt doesn't want to play this game anymore, he gets a message from God telling him it's okay not to have to play it anymore. That said, at least he isn't just quitting like other people on this show have, Naonka and that blonde girl whose name I've already forgotten. Matt says he feels like he's accomplished whatever it was God wanted him to do. Oh. I guess God wanted him to cry like a little bitch on national television.

Of course, Probst has nothing to say to Mike or Julie, so he explains the challenge. It's shuffleboard. Each contestant has to slide his puck past a few "obstacles" and get it in the end zone. The first two contestants to get all three of their pucks in the end will stay in the game. The loser will leave. These challenges are getting worse and worse. It's like the editors want us to fall asleep. Or maybe they've given up hope on getting young people to watch and are just playing to a very elderly demographic who really like Rob. Anyway, Matt goes first and fails to score. Mike is second, and gets his puck in the end zone no problem. Julie slides her puck right into one of the obstacles and fails to score. They go again, and Matt again doesn't score, much to his delight, while Mike and Julie both get their pucks in the end zone. "Matt, you gotta get on the board!" Probst begs. "I'm working on it," Matt shrugs. Did Probst not hear the part where Matt clearly hates being here and wants to lose more than anything?

But then Jesus decides that his cruel joke on Matt must continue and Matt scores his first point. Andrea smiles at Matt, who shakes his head at her and looks about as angry as we've ever seen him. Mike and Julie fail to score, and Matt's fourth attempt nets him a second point. Mike and Julie miss again. On Matt's fifth attempt, he gets his third and final point as Jesus cackles and high-fives Saint Peter. Mike comes up just millimeters short of securing his victory, but Julie ends up getting a second puck in the end zone that knocks her first one out, keeping her with just one point. Mike gets his third puck in and wins. Julie isn't very upset, though, as she hugs Matt saying, "it was meant to be!"

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