Survivor
America's Tribal Council (a.k.a. More With The All-Stars)

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A Million To Whine

Previously on Haven't You Always Wished This Show Were Hosted By Ryan Seacrest: Rupert didn't win. And obviously, that was unacceptable.

We fade in on a cheering crowd and a bunch of tooth-gritting Survivors as Jeff, wearing a lovely pale blue sweater, announces that we are live, and that one of the All-Stars is about to get a million bucks, based on the thirty-eight million votes that have been cast. By people who are my mortal enemies for life, as it turns out. No offense if you are among them, unless you find it offensive that we are mortal enemies. "It is America's Tribal Council!" Jeff yells. Feh. Speak for yourself, Smiley. ["Also, I voted. From Canada. But that's okay, CBS. Don't mind me." -- Wing Chun]

After an obligatory run of credits, Jeff goes to a lot of trouble to point out that the crowd is only about a hundred people, and that the stage is small. Why do I care? Is this supposed to be the intimacy part? Is this the part where we share? Because we've seen these people naked, so unless they're planning on having X-Rays done, there's practically nothing left to learn. Jeff recaps that he announced on Sunday night that Survivor had decided to throw principle to the wind and give away a million dollars on popularity alone. He also insists that the Sunday reunion was "lively." Whatever. So is a hive of bees. Jeff reminds us that text messages and online voting -- the two most reliable forms of voting other than yelling out the window who you want to win -- were used to determine the outcome. Jeff will first drop it to four, and then the final one who gets the million. The audience "Wooooo!"s some more.

Jeff says that a lot has happened since the reunion, and he takes the opportunity to recap Rob and Amber's week of fame. He holds up the copies of Us Weekly and Entertainment Weekly and People that feature their gorgeous mugs. There is more cheering as we look at a grinning Rob and Amber. "You guys haven't stopped since we went off the air," Jeff says, and I'm not even asking what that means. Rob says that they've "barely slept since Sunday." Amber mentions that a lot of the PR has been done together, so they "got to spend some time with each other." I've heard that's a good thing to do before you get married. Jeff rattles off the TV appearances they've done on Letterman and so forth, and Rob marvels at the fact that he's been flying all over the place First Class, which is "not normal." I think the same thing every time I see those people up there with their little curtain and their little free drinks and their little room to move their elbows without coordinating with the person next to them. Jeff asks what the weirdest moment has been for Amber, and she rubs Rob's arm as she says that it was definitely all the TV appearances. That's not a "moment," Amber. That's the whole week. If you're going to bother showing up on a dumb spectacle like this, you could at least listen to the questions. Anyway, Amber claims that the whole thing has been "a blast." Jeff asks whether they've been approached with offers to televise their wedding, and they look at each other all smiley in such a way that you can tell they have been, and Amber says, "Um, possibly." Rob says they have in fact had a network come to them about televising the wedding. Would they do that, Jeff wonders? They say they'd have to talk to their families first. But then Rob says, "If the price is right, Jeff," and smiles. Jeff chooses this moment to announce that he's an ordained minister, and to suggest that he could marry them right now, but Rob points out that his mother would slap him silly. It would be oddly fitting, though, to pack as much total crap as possible into this hour so that they can start next season with a crap deficit.

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