Previously on Survivor, you know what happened. Yes, you do! And if you don't know what happened, what are you doing watching the very last episode of the season? Just so you can talk to everyone else in the office about it tomorrow morning at work? I won't indulge that! As much fun as recapping the recap of the recap -- and trying to find another joke in this chronically recycled footage -- sounds, I'll take a pass.
But, okay. Because Peachy insists, here's a brief synopsis of what has happened so far in this season: Christy warbled about her disadvantage because she was deaf and no one understood; Rob missed his calling as a lumberjack; Alex poked himself in the eye with a tree branch; Butch got bit by a dead fish; Jeanne fed the rest of the tribe her nasty balls; Shawna fell over; Janet fell apart; Ryan looked pretty; Roger annoyed everyone; Daniel sniveled; Joanna hallelujahed; Deena litigated; Davey Rockett booyahed; Matt sharpened his machete over and over and over again; Jenna was a stick figure; and HeiDDi had very large breasts. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, the gender-divided tribes were scrambled and then merged; lots of people got voted off; lots of people backstabbed each other; the alliance formed; the alliance got betrayed; and the alliance sort of came back. Got it? Good.
In the real previouslies, Rob loved hot dogs so much; Butch walked like an insane Egyptian; and Jenna hated every minute of being in the Amazon. HeiDDi and her giant breasts became the twelfth, thirteenth, and fourteenth players voted out of the Amazon. Only four remain: Matthew, Jenna, Butch, and Rob, who will tonight compete in their final immunity challenges. Two will advance to face the jury; one will outlast all the others and become the sole Survivor.
Does the Survivor insignia at the end of the credits usually trickle water like that? How is it I've never noticed before?
An orange shadowy moon. Thunder and lightning. Raindrops. The S4 return from Tribal Council on Night 36. As they work on the fire, Rob tells us that voting HeiDDi out was difficult, but that the last few days reminded him of a birthday card with a hot girl on the front and an inside greeting that read, "No matter how hot you think this girl is, somebody somewhere is sick and tired of puttin' up with her crap." As funny as that might be -- and it's questionably so at best, and only then because any snark on HeiDDi is okay by me -- it really doesn't make any sense. What kind of greeting card would it go on? The newly available "People Suck" Hallmark line?