Survivor
Anger, Threats, Tears…And Coffee

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A Grown-Ass Man Saves His Grown Ass

Speaking of Chad, he gives us the update on the always-fascinating matter of division of labor, which is the freshest topic for a Survivor interview since You Never Really Know Who You Can Trust. Chad, perched in a tree with the WonderFoot 3000 pointing directly at the camera so that you can admire how shiny it is, interviews that camp is now running like a well-oiled and yet still somehow creaky machine, and everyone has certain jobs to do. Some get water, some do dishes...and then there's John, whose job it is to occupy space so that the camp doesn't fold in on itself, turn into a black hole, suck in the entire CBS lineup, and lead to the advent of a twenty-four-hour boogie-boarding channel. We watch the pretty boy lie asleep by the fire as Sarge casts a disapproving eye from under his Tilley hat. For those of you with degrees in ancient (and I do mean ancient) history, I do believe that is, if not the actual Hater, a very close relative of the Hater. There's an absolutely awesome shot of Julie and Twila sitting there like, "Hum dee dum," and then John sort of sits up into the frame, totally oblivious to all the people who were just sitting there staring at his motionless self.

John tells us in an interview that he's "tired and bored," and adds that because there's not much to do, folks on this team just kind of "kick back." Of course, this is a reasonable impression for him to hold, since he apparently is unconscious during the parts of the day with working in them, and he only rouses himself for the back-kicking. Every day as he wakes up at noon, he undoubtedly says to himself, "The pot-cleaning fairies came again! That is amazing! And the birds who bring us water have once again blessed us by carrying buckets in their beaks! Thank God, or the need to provide a subsistence lifestyle for myself would cut into my kicking-back time." Trying to make the point, Chad walks up and drops a bunch of wood right behind John's head, but John just turns around, looks, and doesn't react. Sarge sets his lips in a pout, stares at John, and gives a tiny nod that either means, "Yeah, sucker, you're going home," or "Chad, you distract him, and I'll stab him with the immunity stick, because who doesn't love irony?" Chad now interviews that "John is an enigma," but he doesn't seem to mean "an enigma" so much as "a useless tool," because he goes on to say that the big enigmatic mystery of which he speaks is how John can sit around on his ass while everyone else is working. Which isn't really mysterious, as much as it's just irritating. It occurs to me that we'd all be better off if fewer people confused the problem of pedestrian uselessness with the higher purpose of being lost in thought, so...don't encourage the world's inert philosophers, Chad. Pretty soon, we'll all be tying their shoes for them because they're going, "Get me, I'm a conundrum. No time for laces!" Anyway, Chad says that, up until now, there hasn't been that much talk about John's situation, but people are starting to notice and make remarks.

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Survivor

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