Survivor
Anger, Threats, Tears…And Coffee

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Miss Alli: C+ | Grade It Now!
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A Grown-Ass Man Saves His Grown Ass

And during the commercial, you figure out why Jeff had been using that stupid terminology -- "Home Café" is the name of the Folgers single-serving coffee maker they're promoting. Wow. You know, it's not that there hasn't always been product placement, but really, it has gotten unbelievably crass and tortured this season. Although I will say you haven't lived until you've seen the demo at the Folgers site where they show you how to make a cup of coffee. Put in water! Put in coffee packet! Press button! Sometimes, you have to know when not to use video enhancements, because if I were the plaintiff's lawyer representing someone who managed to burn himself with that machine, I would use that video as evidence that they intentionally marketed it to people who were too brain-dead not to scald themselves. (Also during that commercial break? The Amazing Race returns November 16. Considering how my other shows are going this fall, all I can say is...I can't wait to see you, Phil.)

Yasur makes its way to the Home Café™, where there is a big bulletin board with family pictures and baby pictures of everyone. Rory points to one and says, "This is me," which I think is awesome, because these women are dumb enough that I can totally imagine them standing around going, "Ohhhh, which one of us is this, in the picture of the little African-American boy?" Awesome. Eliza gushes in an interview that it was wonderful to see everyone's pictures, blah blah blah. Different people point out different pictures of themselves, and we learn that Leann, like most girls of the late '80s, was a victim of traumatic hair feathering. Scout calls herself "a little ragamuffin." Eliza tells us that seeing all of these family pictures of everyone "touched [her] heart." I like the picture of Ami where she looks like the lost Go-Go. And...is that Leann in a cowboy hat made of plastic cheese? Please tell me it is.

And then, it is time for many admiring shots of the Home Café™ machine itself. It's by Folgers. It's so easy to use! It brews such delicious-looking coffee! They eat croissants, and then Eliza stumbles across a stack of envelopes, one for each person. They each have, it turns out, some letters from folks back home, so this will be the part where there's lots of crying. Even though they've been away from home for, like, two and a half weeks. I mean...okay, miss your family. But seriously, no one's gotten taller since you left. You'd still recognize everyone. I go for months without seeing Sister S, and that doesn't mean I weep whenever she sends me an email. For some reason, Rory gives Ami a big kiss on the cheek, which is more than she deserves. They all toast each other with juice and coffee, and Ami product-places the French vanilla. "Who wants coffee next?" she asks, which would tend to remind the audience of the main problem with the Home Café™ in this setting, which is that there are five people and it makes one...cup...at...a time. It would be fine if you live alone and drink only one cup of coffee, but if you're like me, and you drink half-caff so that you can fill your mug all morning long, the Home Café™ is not for you. But don't think about that. Just look at the shiny machine. Works great for large crowds who want to drink coffee in sequence rather than in unison!

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Survivor

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