Probst wastes ten minutes of our lives recapping the entire season thus far, being sure to use as much of the pretty opening credits footage as possible. I like how he gives credit to "some help from Jerri" for Li'l Russell getting rid of Rob, when I'd say Rob's boot was 45% because of Tyson (inadvertently) and 45% because of Jerri, with the remaining 10% going to Rob himself for refusing to consider voting for anyone but Li'l Russell. So, yeah, that's a little bit more than "some help." Also, Probst gives no credit to Sandra for convincing Li'l Russell to get rid of Coach before her and Courtney, which is the reason why Sandra is still there now. Seriously, the only time when Probst even mentions the contestants left in this game besides Li'l Russell is in reference to something they did for or against him. We had 19 other fucking "all-stars" this season and we spent almost the entire season watching one guy who we all just watched LAST season. Why? Are the editors/producers that lazy that they'd rather just focus everything on one contestant instead of bothering to pay attention to and create stories around what anyone else is doing? Does all of America love watching Li'l Russell so much and I'm the one with the problem because I can't stand him? I just don't get it. And after tonight, hopefully, he will be off my TV screen forever. Until the next all-star season, that is.
Probst recaps the contestants left so far, complete with footage from their original seasons. Colby used to be hot and powerful, but now he's weak and old(er). Parvati is a flirt and a "cunning strategist." Oh, there's the shot of her and Natalie stirring their cauldrons from Season 16! I miss that season, you guys. I really do. Sandra was a "feisty mother of two" in Season 7, and OH YES! THERE IS THE SHOT OF HER GOING APESHIT ON JOHNNY FAIRPLAY. "I CAN GET LOUD TOO WHAT THE FUCK!" indeed. Just because the editors hate Johnny Fairplay that much, they stick a shot of him saying he bets a million dollars that Sandra won't win the game just before the clip of Probst revealing that she did, indeed, win the game. And then all she did this season, apparently, was spy on and hate Li'l Russell. Jerri was "the original Black Widow" in her first season, but this time around, she tried to make friends. Until she switched to Li'l Russell's alliance and helped vote all of her friends out. Oops! And finally, there's Li'l Russell, who was an asshole in his first season. "This season," Probst says; "more of the same." Don't I know it? I've just spent, like, six months watching Li'l Russell do the same thing every fucking week. Probst sums up that in our Final Five, we have two previous winners, two previous runners-up, and Jerri. Probst promises that this will be the "biggest finale yet." We'll see.