Back from Africa

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Crap from Africa

A bell rings, and suddenly all the people in the bar start throwing little pieces of paper at Brandon. He tells us that first night in Africa was his first-ever camping experience, and having prevailed made him realize he could do anything. Brandon's friend -- who gets a name now (Brad Cooke) -- rubs his belly and says Brandon wanted to be on Survivor because no one on television represented his demographic. Brandon drives a teensy yellow car and smokes dramatically as his friend says, "I think he wanted to show America a gay man in their [sic] middle twenties who's getting out on his own and finding his way and coming to grow as a person." In other words, the new Fairy Tyler Moore. The people in the bar toast Brandon; then we see him walking up the steps to the Walt Whitman School, which he tells us is for gay and lesbian teenagers who face difficulties in their schools. Brandon wears a cute red sweater and tells the kids, "I'm just a normal gay person." He feels good that he can be in an position to be an inspiration to the community, and tells us, "Just because I'm gay, don't assume certain things about me." It's not an assumption to say Brandon looks like he needs a bath.

Next up, Peachy tells us we'll reunite with Kelly, who is "hard-driving, but soft," and Ethan, who's in touch with his feminine side.

Peachy perches on a stump and says that the S16 called the next survivor "the smartest girl out there," but she insists she's "just a homebody with a wild streak." Clearly Kelly "Diggin' for" Goldsmith is the darling (or maybe, in the footsteps of Tori Spelling, the more appropriate word is "daughter") of whoever produced this show. She tells us that, from the beginning, she was "outmanned" by everybody on Survivor. She thought she was the worst athlete and felt like she would pass out; she was sure she'd be the first person voted off the show. She lolls in a chair as she tells us that Survivor made her "uniquely prepared" to live in Los Angeles. As she walks down a street, she tells us that her days usually begin with a workout. She exclaims, "Okay guys, what do all good Californians do? Go to the gym!" Kelly -- who has a personal trainer -- annoyingly punctuates her exercise routine with shout-outs toward herself. She explains that, by day, she's a "behavioral research analyst" who edits books. We watch as she types on her laptop; she tells us she loves academics and research, and then claims that the other part of her is "a big homebody!" So does that qualify the academic side as her "wild streak"? Kelly loves to crochet, which she says is her "weird introverted habit." I'm a snob about being an introvert (why would I ever want as a character trait the need to be around and derive my energy from other people?), and Kelly is so not one. She shows us a big ugly blanket she crocheted, and explains that it's not particularly well done, which is surely in keeping with the "detail-oriented" characteristic she bragged about seconds ago. She also wants to show us her favorite homemade pillow, but she can't reach the top of her closet.

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