MONDO EXTRAS

Mitchell, who is still very tall, tells us he isn’t lazy or boring. I won’t speak for the lazy people, but generally non-boring people don’t have to insist that they aren’t. He shows us a People with a Survivor story on the cover. He points out his picture, and then a picture of Julia Roberts in the corner of the same page. He says one of his favorite things to do is make Julia Roberts kiss him by folding the page over to touch both pictures together. Julia Roberts, by the way, is now taking heightened security precautions in her L.A. home. Mitchell is bothered because he gets approached a lot by aspiring singers. He says he’s no better off than they are in his career, but they think he has some kind of inside connection. We then see a clip where he’s kind of rude to a blonde woman who walks up to him on the street and insists on singing at him. From what we hear later, she’s better than he is, so maybe he was just jealous. Mitchell tells us that whenever he does appearances, the scariest people wait at the back of the line because they want to have an actual conversation with him. No offense meant to any of you out there, but it seems scary in general to wait in a line at all to see Mitchell. Mitchell tells us he’s planning to take his fifteen minutes as far as he can. We next see him in a recording studio, explaining to someone that he wrote a song as soon as he came back from the Outback. I’d originally planned to transcribe the song in its entirety for you here, but couldn’t bring myself to bear on through the first verse. It’s just really bad. Wearing a size XXLong leather jacket and strutting down a city street, Mitchell half-sings/half-talks to the tune of I Will Survive a very Weird Al-esque song about his experiences on Survivor. Now I know why we never actually saw him sing on the show. He uses the Monster Mash singing technique. What we’re seeing, I think, as he goes on is the extremely low-budget video which finishes up with Mitchell in tux and tails. Thankfully, this painful exhibition of lack of talent comes to an end, and my immense embarrassment-by-association comes to a conclusion.

As we go to a commercial, Survivor I cast member Gervase calls Michael a “wack job,” and not for his newfound religion but because he killed the pig. Peachy then announces that a segment on Elisabeth is coming up -- he says that almost everyone loved her, and then we see Jenna from the first season saying that Elisabeth’s crying should have inspired a drinking game. Jenna tells us Elisabeth “annoys the crap out of [her].” That comment would have been much better coming from Talking Rudy Doll.