MONDO EXTRAS

And now onto the moment I’ve been unreasonably dreading: Tina. And it’s weird, because she never bothered me all that much until she won the million, and now everything about her drives me crazy. Tina tells us her first emotion was shock, followed by disbelief, joy, and finally pride. She’s happy that an older woman could win the game. If she really wanted an older woman to win, then she shouldn’t have ganged up on Mad Dog. We see various shots of Tina with admiring fans and paparazzi. And then -- I guess to clue us in to the fact that we’re now in Knoxville -- we see shots of a Darryl’s and an IHOP. Tina tells us that she knew it was a popular show, but that she didn’t expect fame to such a large degree. I could believe that had she been on the first season, but after last year’s Richard Hatch overload, she really should have been prepared for this. In any case, she’s upset that she has to now look decent when she leaves the house because someone is bound to want to take her picture. She’s surprised that so many people actually travel with cameras. In an AA-like segment, Tina’s husband Dale proclaims, “I’m Tina’s husband and I am very famous now.” He’s another contender for the Survivor II-related-persona-most-likely-to-win-the-Forrest Gump-impersonator contest. He says people are excited to talk to him until Tina shows up, and then he becomes the invisible man. When people approach Tina for her picture, he tries to be in it too, but they usually don’t let him. I think Dale should be on next season’s Survivor. Tina’s son says that his mother now has “nice pants” and a “good nice shirt.” He says she always dresses up now, but that the family used to be just “Tennessee hillbillies.” Her daughter, sounding remarkably like Tina, says that all the kids want to be her “bayest frayend” now. Really, this family needs their own television show. We then see Tina and her family praying around a picnic table. Tina tells us that “God and family and friends” are still the most important things in her life. She goes on to say that she has two sides: the good wife and good mother, and also the side who “loves to hang out with the motorcycle gang.” She says a lot of people see her independent motorcycling and Survivor participation to be negligent of her kids, but she thinks adults should be allowed to have their dreams too. Tina also rides a unicycle; she must have learned that trick from Bozo the Keith. The whole Wesson family then heads off to dinner. At the Outback Steakhouse. Where they pretend to be surprised to get noticed. Dale tells us they eat facing the wall at restaurants, but they still get noticed. I think if my family entered a restaurant and insisted on eating while facing the wall, we’d get a lot more attention than we otherwise would. Dale tells us the food gets cold because Tina’s so busy signing autographs, so they’ve begun to order salads. I don’t think he’s kidding when he says this. Tina thinks her presence is particularly exciting because Knoxville is such a small town; she says she’s excited to see herself every morning when she looks in the mirror. Well, she doesn’t say that exactly, but it’s where she’s headed. Dale tells us they went on a cruise during spring break and thought Tina would be unrecognizable -- considering that the show began airing at the end of January, that seems like an unlikely conjecture. It’s hard, after all, to stay out of the public eye when your face is plastered all over televisions, newspapers, and magazines across the continent and beyond. We then see a picture of Tina and a bunch of fellow cruisers. Tina must have liked Elisabeth’s pink bikini an awful lot, since she ran out and got herself one of her very own. Seriously, she’s wearing Elisabeth’s pink bikini in this picture. Tina wraps it up by saying she knows she’s been given an incredible opportunity. We then see a shot of a make-a-wish-dandelion stem, followed by a dog’s howl intermingled with the Survivor wailing, which brings us to credits.