Survivor
Back From The Outback

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Rudy! Rudy!

A little squirrel nibbles on a nut. I’m not sure what this is meant to signify, except that we’re near a park. We then see Alicia in a do-rag and red lipstick; she tells us that she’s not as serious and cutthroat as she appeared on the show. “I will always wave my finger in your face” is shown. Alicia rides a bike; Alicia lifts weights; Alicia Stairmasters. The cameraman seems to be ogling Alicia’s boo-yea booty through the lens while filming her. We learn that Alicia is maintaining her career as a personal trainer while doing various media appearances and photo shoots. We see footage of her presenting at the Sports Emmys and of a photo shoot where she wears a very flattering backless dress. She says she tells her trainees that they can do anything because she stood on a pole for ten hours. Of course, if she offered them $1 million, I’m sure they’d be more inclined to exert themselves too. I do want Alicia to be my trainer; I’m sure a little finger-waving would kick my ass into gear.

We’re now in Long Island, where Kimmi shows us the tulips she planted just before leaving for Survivor. She tells us she loves her 85-year-old grandmother who’s a “riot,” and pals around with her niece who calls her “Aunt Kimmi,” which for some reason that sounds particularly cute. Kimmi tells us that the food challenge was her worst moment in the Outback because “this little one ounce of cow brain was ruining my life.” It sounds like she regrets not eating it, but then explains that it was a personal decision and “[she has] to be able to look in the mirror and move on.” Suddenly Judd “Heightened Sense of Smell” Nelson shows up in Peachy’s place, talking about “Survivor II’s not-so-popular vegetarian.” The background he stands against looks Survivor-esque, and we thought he’d stepped in as some sort of unannounced special guest host until it turns out to be a clip of some animal-rights event at which Kimmi is honored. Judd says that Kimmi “ lost one million dollars but not her conviction,” which makes her sound kind of silly. We see footage of her going onto the stage in a sequined dress, looking very tall. But that might be because her escort is ten years old. Kimmi tells us that the animal-rights community has embraced her since the show. She then says that she’s learned that it doesn’t matter what people think, and it’s not her job to make everyone else happy. She says, “Bottom line: nice and easy, that’s my…that’s what the show taught me.” She and her niece walk like ducks off into the sunset.

Mitchell, who is still very tall, tells us he isn’t lazy or boring. I won’t speak for the lazy people, but generally non-boring people don’t have to insist that they aren’t. He shows us a People with a Survivor story on the cover. He points out his picture, and then a picture of Julia Roberts in the corner of the same page. He says one of his favorite things to do is make Julia Roberts kiss him by folding the page over to touch both pictures together. Julia Roberts, by the way, is now taking heightened security precautions in her L.A. home. Mitchell is bothered because he gets approached a lot by aspiring singers. He says he’s no better off than they are in his career, but they think he has some kind of inside connection. We then see a clip where he’s kind of rude to a blonde woman who walks up to him on the street and insists on singing at him. From what we hear later, she’s better than he is, so maybe he was just jealous. Mitchell tells us that whenever he does appearances, the scariest people wait at the back of the line because they want to have an actual conversation with him. No offense meant to any of you out there, but it seems scary in general to wait in a line at all to see Mitchell. Mitchell tells us he’s planning to take his fifteen minutes as far as he can. We next see him in a recording studio, explaining to someone that he wrote a song as soon as he came back from the Outback. I’d originally planned to transcribe the song in its entirety for you here, but couldn’t bring myself to bear on through the first verse. It’s just really bad. Wearing a size XXLong leather jacket and strutting down a city street, Mitchell half-sings/half-talks to the tune of I Will Survive a very Weird Al-esque song about his experiences on Survivor. Now I know why we never actually saw him sing on the show. He uses the Monster Mash singing technique. What we’re seeing, I think, as he goes on is the extremely low-budget video which finishes up with Mitchell in tux and tails. Thankfully, this painful exhibition of lack of talent comes to an end, and my immense embarrassment-by-association comes to a conclusion.

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