Survivor
Bamboozled

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Miss Alli: B- | Grade It Now!
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Don't Come Back, Shane

And now: challenge jungle gyms. Gee, it's going to be a physical test of agility? I wonder how this will turn out. Wake me up when Terry is going "RUH!" in celebration. No, seriously. It's good they've finally devised a challenge that will reward physical strength and quickness, since the other challenges have been so overwhelmingly focused on mental ability and strategic and analytical thinking. You can't make every challenge favor the librarians. The contestants line up on their mat. Jeff tells them that the challenge is made up of elements of old challenges. First, dig in the sand and find a bag. Second round: untie a snake. Third round: Run up a hill, down a hill, untie a dangling fish. (Untie a dangling...fish? I believe I missed a challenge somewhere along the line, possibly. I think I would remember that.) Final round: jungle gym climbing. And what are we playing for? "Today," Jeff says, "you're playing for love." He goes on to explain that the winner of the challenge today will decide who gets love and how much they get. Greeeat.

First-round winners: Chiclets, Terry, Aras, Cirie, in that order. (Chiclets beating Terry in a digging contest, you'll notice. Also, Shane's out.) Next round's winners: Chiclets, Aras, Terry. (Aras and Chiclets both beating Terry.) You'll notice Terry's lack of actual invincibility, as opposed to his tendency to fortuitously win the right round at the right moment. Cirie gets eliminated. Next round: Aras, then Terry. Please note that Terry has yet to win a round. Chiclets has won two, but she came last in this round, so she's out. Now, it's Aras and Terry in the final round. Unsurprisingly -- not based on ability, but based on the way the fucking season is going -- Terry wins again, after they both fall in almost the exact same way, but Aras drops something, and Terry doesn't. So Terry wins one round out of four, and the only one he wins is the one when there's only one guy to beat, but nonetheless, he is the winner, again.

So now, we bring out the loved ones: Terry's wife Trish, who is leathery and sort of exactly what I would expect her to be; Aras's mom Theresa, who tells him that he "rocks," which she can be forgiven for thinking; Chiclets's mom, Denise who is explosively happy to see her; Cirie's husband H.B., who misses her so much; and, of course, Shane's son Boston, who bears -- and I do not mean this as an insult at all; it's just fact -- an eerie resemblance to young Jodie Foster, as several posters have pointed out. I think the kid is adorable, and I wouldn't even call him girly -- it's more that Jodie Foster in that era looked like a good-looking boy, which is what Boston is. On the other hand, his shirt reads "BOSTON OR BUST," which is dumb. Shane, of course, immediately begins kneeling and losing his shit. I hope Boston never goes to, say, camp, or Shane is going to have a fucking nervous breakdown. Shane and Boston trade "I love you"s.

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Survivor

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