Survivor
Beg, Barter, Steal

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Yo-Ho-Ho And A Bottle Of Dumb

Drake follows its map to the water well, led (surprisingly enough) by Idiot Jon. He explains to us that while the walk to the water well isn't too bad, the place is insane with mosquitoes. Indeed, a sequence follows in which the tribe is shown to be utterly festooned with bites. If you remember the no-nos of the Marquesas and how disgusting it was to look at all those little bumps all the time, the mosquitoes of the Pearl Islands are approximately as aggressive, it appears. Jon comes close to getting off a good line about how Shawn "looks like the moon," but then has to ruin it by unnecessarily adding "except in reverse." As if we didn't understand the crater thing without help. Way to torpedo your own joke, nitwit.

We return to Morgan, over that increasingly irritating soundrack tootling. The crisis of the moment there is water as well, because they've run out of the bottled water on which they apparently spent some of their money. Realizing that, in the wise words of Osten, "water's going to be real important," they set off in a little pack to look for water. The first thing they come across is a little pond of brown water that Lillian explains was "not the kind of water you'd want to drink, even if you boiled it for forty-two hours." In order to avoid disease, they elect against drinking the pond. Wow, good choice. That lesson is up there with Rotting Animals Make Bad Canapés. Osten interviews that they consumed a lot of time "meander[ing] through this beach trying to guesstimate" where they might find water. "Meander"? "Guesstimate"? Dude, never throw your poetry class in the conversational blender with your retirement-planning seminar. He follows with a lecture about the body's tendency to sweat and need rehydration, so I think his repertoire also includes ab-machine infomercials.

Night comes to the Pearl Islands. In the Morgan Shelter of Multiple Building Code Violations, Nicole asks what noise she's hearing, and Ryan O. not-so-reassuringly tells her that it's rocks from the wall falling down. She's disbelieving at first, but it quickly becomes pretty clear that he's right. She interviews that they saw this as a bad development, thinking that if the wall is falling on them now, it's likely only to get worse once it starts to rain. Meanwhile, the night-vision camera also shows us some friendly little crabs that are running around on the sand, undoubtedly not delighted to find interlopers on their usually pleasant beach. Nicole jumps at the biting of her ass, bringing great laughter from her tribemates. It turns out that the place is lousy with crabs, and this is the point at which the tribe realizes that perhaps it would have been a better idea to get the shelter up off the ground. As if there isn't enough hysteria already, Osten announces that there's a snake in the shelter, which gets everyone up and out of bed in a hurry. It turns out, in fact, that what is menacing the tribe is a palm frond. Heh. I sincerely hope that he spends whatever time he has left on the island having people run up and brush his legs with palm fronds, going, "Snake! Snake!" In an interview, Osten proves how well suited he is for this game by telling us that the minute he sees or feels anything unusual, he goes into "freak-out mode." Well, that'll be helpful. Andrew interviews that they're calling Osten "Scary Mary." I guess that's the best Morgan can do, in terms of the witty insults. The wall literally continues falling on Morgan, which I think you will agree is promising, in terms of symbolism.

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