Beg, Barter, Steal

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 2 USERS: A+
Yo-Ho-Ho And A Bottle Of Dumb

Peachy now explains to the castaways that not only will there be no clothes available to them, but they will find nothing when they get to camp. No food, no supplies, no anything. He will be offering them, however, "the opportunity to control [their] own fate." This may sound a little self-helpish to you, like something you'd find on page 356 of Change Your Life The Marilu Henner Way, but what he means is that each team will be given one hundred balboas ("That's Panamanian money," he explains helpfully) with which to shop for supplies in a nearby village. They'll need to reserve enough to hire a boat to camp, but other than that, they can do whatever they want, with the understanding that they have to get the boat soon enough to be at camp by sundown. He reminds them that in addition to spending their money, they can barter with what little they have on them. He tosses them maps to their camps. "This is beyond what I bargained for," Ryan S. voices over, marveling at the challenge as someone must at the beginning of every season. With that, Peachy tosses the bundles of tennis shoes over the side of the boat and tells the castaways they'll have to swim for it. In a sequence that actually turns out to be kind of fun, the castaways jump one by one over the side. Some manage to look relatively dignified, while some manage to look like total dorks. Some of the women, in particular, have obvious concerns about the possibility that their dresses will fly up over their heads during the big leap. And it's true, that is not the way you want to make your television debut -- as Flowery Underpants Girl. That would take a while to wear off, reputation-wise. A rousing adventure theme plays as they jump. And jump. And jump. Once everyone is in the water, the teams swim away from the ship, some on their own and some hanging on to life rings that have been helpfully thrown into the water by Mark Burnett's liability attorneys. Osten complains that he doesn't get in the water unless he has to, so he needed that life ring so as not to drown. Rupert adds that he was surprised how extraordinarily difficult it was to swim with his jeans on, because they got so heavy when they hit the water. "My legs were rubber," he interviews. "I was spent. And it hadn't even started yet!" Hee.

Before you know it, people get to shore and begin to scamper up onto the rocks. Nicole takes this moment to demonstrate that if a dress is wet enough, even a thong can leave a visible panty line. Morgan immediately dissolves, as Nicole, Darrah, and Ryan O. run off toward the village, leaving Tijuana, Morgan, Osten, Lillian, and Ryan S. to gather up the life ring and the shoes. Ryan S. interviews that he was disappointed that instead of gathering to formulate a strategy, the team instantly splintered upon arrival. He particularly noted how Ryan O. went off all alone as if he "wasn't even part of the tribe." As we see, Ryan O. does have a plan, and that plan is to start by finding the boat, probably so that they have an idea of how much time and money they can spare buying supplies. It's not a bad plan, except that when he reaches the boat dock, Ryan O. realizes that he has come to inquire about how long the ride will take and how much it will cost without bringing...his map. Therefore, he is stuck posing the following genius question to the boat pilot: "What's the most to go pretty much anywhere?" Reasonably enough, Boat Guy looks at Ryan O. like he's the biggest moron Boat Guy has ever seen. "Screwed up this one," says a sheepish Ryan O. as he walks away, realizing that he's just set a new standard for first-episode folly of this particular kind.

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