Beg, Barter, Steal

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 2 USERS: A+
Yo-Ho-Ho And A Bottle Of Dumb

Commercials. Okay, the flower stampede is cool.

On the Morgan boat (also known as the Ship of Fools), the team is approaching its island and flag. Ryan S. explains that when he saw the flag, he got happy and excited, and figured everyone else would do the same. They didn't. He despairs about his tribemates' failure to "woooo." The Morgan tribe swims to shore, where they start to talk shelter and Osten fails to hike up his shorts, which are showing the unmistakable swath of blurred-out ass-crack that he will be displaying for most of the rest of the episode. There are moments when I do not envy people who produce a show like this, and imagining the poor dear whose job it was to go through this episode and blur Osten's butt fifty or sixty separate times is one of them. Ryan S. continues to complain that people were talking about camp when he got to shore, rather than high-fiving and enjoying the moment or whatever it is he thinks they should have been doing. "Let's jump up and down, let's give some hugs, let's do somethin'," Ryan S. complains in an interview. You know, when I was in college, there was a freshman orientation seminar where they would tell you that you should feel comfortable just standing up in the dining hall and yelling, "I want a standing ovation!" and if you do, everyone should give you one. Every year, somebody did it within the first week or so of school. Ryan S. is not the kind of kid who would actually do this, but he is the kind who would always clap and secretly think it was cool if somebody else did it. As the ever-pushier Osten directs everyone in looking for a shelter location, he interviews that he was "in game mode," and wanted to get done because "the sunrise was going down quickly." Ah, yes. Sunrisedown. It's the most beautiful time of day, really. He continues down the path of authoritarianism by imposing some kind of forced march on his teammates, running up and down the beach in search of a place to call home. Ryan S. interviews that Osten is "a big dude" who certainly wants to make sure no one misses the fact that he's got "muscles out to yay." And that's just sad, because having muscles out to yay is a beautiful thing, and Osten is going to ruin it for everyone.

Osten finally settles and gets Lillian work on digging a big sand hole, which is apparently the first step in shelter-building. It's the fire pit, I guess. And nothing will do wonders for your image like opening with, "Dig the fire pit, old lady!" He tells us that he was completely confused by Lillian's scout uniform, wondering if it was "a joke." Hey, it's not as much of a joke as your droopy shorts, there, Mr. Pixel. Lillian, meanwhile, complains that her troop would "kick [her] butt" if they saw that she was lighting a campfire with a candle. Heh. We switch to her interview, in which she explains that it's a challenge to de-scout and not push everybody around: "It's real hard not to be the scoutmaster here." For some reason -- which isn't but certainly could have been the amusement of me personally -- somebody inserts a little cymbal crash at the moment Lill pulls the scout hat off to demonstrate her point. Just one of those little touches. She and Nicole work on building the fire.

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