Blindside Time

Episode Report Card
Joe R: B+ | 1 USERS: B
Requiem for a Hag

Round 2: all six -- Andrea, Cochran, Phillip, Michael, Eddie, and Malcolm -- compete, with the top 3 advancing. They are eating "shipworms," which Jeff says are more like clams. Slimy, black, spoiled-looking clams that apparently suction onto ships and are capable of eating through the hulls, so enjoy having that sitting in your stomachs. Cochran shoves the worms into his mouth so fast that he nearly flings some over his shoulder, which would have been unfortunate. Malcolm and Eddie finish at the exact same time, and Cochran barely beats out Andrea for the third spot. Poor Andrea has worm goop below her nose and no matter how many tissues I throw at my TV screen, there it remains.

Next round: top 2 finish. This round they're eating bolut, those balled-up duck embryos about which Jeff lies through his teeth and insists that other human beings eat voluntarily. Eddie: "Why?" Why indeed, you chiseled lump of dumb, you. Poor Eddie is going to need to get voted out before his waxed chest hair starts growing in any more than it already has. He's going to be reeeeeally irritable once that gets stubbly. Cochran is blazing through this competition, finishing first and already kind of Scarface-strutting about it. Eddie takes the dubious tactic of tilting his head back, I guess to let gravity assist him, but he only ends up spitting some chunks out. Chunks that he will later have to retrieve. Then he just starts shoving the food down his throat with his two forefingers, in the Heather Duke-approved symbol for gagging oneself, so I'm not sure that's all that smart either. Malcolm is diligently chewing his food, just like Madeline probably taught him, and he ends up finishing second.

Final round: Malcolm vs. Cochran. It's a credit to either Cochran or the editors that I find myself strangely rooting for him in this challenge, despite the fact that I did not care for him in his season, and I remain quite fond of Malcolm. Jeff is already making a big deal about how Cochran -- Cochran! Puny, useless, egghead-likes-his-booky-wook Cochran! -- could possibly be in the finals of a challenge. Imagine Jeff Probst in high school, you guys. Just hold that mental image for a moment. What a nightmare. The final item is pig brains, which, consistency-wise, seems an easier task than the bolut (and the larvae, really), but for the fact that there's just SO much of it. It's the Double Quarter-Pounder equivalent of pig brains. Double-quarter-pound or not, both competitors cram the mushy thing into their mouths immediately, and Cochran must've just slurped his down like jello, because he finishes first. WINNER. Mere seconds before Malcolm, too. Cochran starts dancing around like Muhammad Ali, and everybody gets it, even Malcolm, because it's Cochran and he's harmless and just let him have his moment. It's actually a nice instance of everybody deciding not to be shitty at a moment where it would've been very easy to take offense for no reason.

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