Survivor
Breakdown

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Miss Alli: B | Grade It Now!
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"I Quit. No, I Don't. Wait, What Was The Question?"

Shane goes on to bitch that the "scenario" is really different from his normal life, because he's usually hopped up on pills (or, as he puts it, "busy"), and here, he has nothing to do all day. He also calls himself "Psycho Boy," because he thinks it will seem endearing and he doesn't realize we will all nod vigorously and make woop-woop-woop siren-like noises. Also: a Livestrong bracelet. I feel so sad and inept when contestants reduce me to colorful expressions like "Oh, P.U." He cries and wipes his face with his own skanky t-shirt. And then he looks up at the sky and demands no more rainstorms, as the rest of his team stares at him like they're wondering how big a hole they'd need to dig to bury him.

Soon, the teams are joining a very studly Jeff Probst out in the middle of a clearing. They line up on their four mats, Jeff noting that Tina is gone, as if anyone has any idea who Tina was. He has everyone take a position on one of fifteen circles on the ground, and then they lift up their circles to see which two are standing on the ones with buffs under them. It turns out that the lucky two are Terry and Danielle, which means that they will be the first two to pick as we merge the four tribes into two. Boy, that was a worthwhile gimmick. Changed the game for a whole three days, boy howdy! I'm still dizzy! Things will never be the same! Terry will have to start off by picking a woman, and Danielle will have to start by picking a man, and then each person will pick a person of the opposite sex. Danielle is dead to me -- DEAD! -- because she picks Shane first, and as if that weren't enough, she refers to him as "the cool guy." Pardon me while my guts surface. As Shane comically shuffles over, he repeats, "the COOL guy," as if he never expected that anyone would think he was cool, which is why he wears his hair that way and dangles his shorts from his hipbones and makes himself absolute catnip to all the women who like to shop for boyfriends at arraignment court. Terry starts with Sally, which isn't a bad idea. Shane picks Courtney, whom he calls "little lady." Now, they're not just ladies. They're little ladies. The best kind! Sally picks Austin. Courtney picks Aras, because she doesn't know about the yoga. Or, ew, maybe she does. Austin picks Misty and her cowboy hat. Aras picks Cirie. Misty picks Nick. Cirie picks President Beefcake. Nick picks Ruth Marie. President Beefcake picks Melinda, since he has no choice. This leaves Ruth Marie to choose between Bruce and Very Pale Dan. Many years of VPD being chosen last for sports, and many more years of him Googling bullies in order to drive by their houses yelling "I am an astronaut HA HA HA!" float on the breeze. Ultimately, Ruth Marie opts for VPD, leaving Bruce as the cheese standing alone.

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Survivor

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