Survivor
China Reunion

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How It Didn't Happen

All righty. Time for the commercials, and then James -- OR WHOEVER -- will be winning 100K.

And now, the Shooting Gallery Of Who-Caresies. Dave! Why'd you get naked? Well, Jeff, it was the only strategy I could think of! Okay, shut up, Dave! Ashley! How are the wrestling fans treating you? Just fine, Jeff, even though I thought they'd be mad! Okay, shut up, Ashley! Aaron! Hey, you kinda got screwed, huh? Sure did, Jeff! Okay, shut up, Aaron! Leslie! Did they vote you off because of Jesus? No way, Jeff, I was a pain in the ass! Okay, shut up, Leslie! Sherea! Were you surprised you did well in challenges? Yes, Jeff, I was, but it was better to be good at challenges than do dishes at camp! Okay, shut up, Sherea! Frosti! How's the parkour? Fine, Jeff, why weren't there any obstacle-course challenges for me? Okay, shut up, Frosti! Chicken! Was it worth it, even though nobody remembers who the hell you are? Yes, Jeff, DAYUM! Okay, shut up, Chicken! Wow, I'm glad we got those people out of the way! They don't matter!

And now, we will award $100K to the person who received the most text-message votes. Who is it? Well, the top three finishers were Denise (pity-based), James (actual popularity) and Peih-Gee (merit). And the winner, of course, is...James! Nobody is surprised, of course.

Jeff quiets the crowd. He has something else to say. It is something regarding the incredibly sad story of Denise and the incredible kindness and generosity of Mark Burnett, if Mark Burnett does say so himself. Mark Burnett would like it known that in recognition of the incredibly sad things that have befallen Denise, he's going to give her $50,000. Yes, that's right. She's getting fifty grand for sheer pathos, all of which is a big fat lie. Denise's family cheers in the audience, not realizing that...they're never going to see that money, ever. In about three days, Denise will have effectively returned the money, the goodwill she earned will be gone, she will have destroyed her reputation with the school district that employs her, and -- horribly ironically, for a woman who clearly spent months after the end of the game consoling herself with the thought that she may not have money, but at least she has her integrity and can look herself in the eye -- her name will be synonymous, fairly or unfairly, with "bullshit liar going for pity with a big old made-up sob story bordering on a scam," and she will have made audiences more cynical, less sympathetic to working people who land in Survivor casts among models and bartenders, more suspicious of people who try to position themselves as honest, and generally more certain that everything they see on television is probably a load of self-serving crap. I don't think this is quite what Denise had planned for herself.

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Survivor

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